The Oddest Birthday
by The Handsome Blue Beast
Summary: It's Naruto's birthday, and boy does Hinata have a surprise for him. Just an odd fic I made in my spare time. Hinata is ooc, but it's on purpose. One sided naruXhina Chapter 17 is up!
1. The Beginning of the Oddity

1Hello! This fic is kinda weird, but I just thought that it would be funny.

All standard disclaimers apply. I know Hinata is way Ooc, but that's why it's funny. I did it on purpose.

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Hinata stood in front of that door. This door had been plaguing her for the last half hour. It wasn't that it wouldn't open, it's just that she couldn't bring herself to open it. It was the door to Naruto's house. It was October 12th, Naruto's birthday. Sakura had asked her to keep Naruto busy and away from the ramen shop for a couple of hours. Hinata fluttered with the present in her hand. Could she really do this? She swallowed and reached for the door. The handle suddenly turned itself, and the door swung forward at an extremely high velocity.

"All right! It's my birthday!" Naruto shouted, not even noticing he'd hit Hinata with the door and she'd gone toppling off the landing into a pile of trash.

"To the ramen shop!" He yelled, jogging off at high speed.

The pile of trash stirred. Hinata sat up, and felt the bump on her forehead. What just happened? She looked up at the balcony she just fell off and remembered. Naruto! Her one and only love! A sudden fire filled Hinata's eyes (not unlike what happens to Rock Lee) and she ran off to find the blonde haired youth.

Naruto happily skipped down the pathway to the shop. It was so lovely out today! He was going to spend the whole day in the shop, gorging himself. Hehe, birthdays rocked.

"Naruto-Kun!" Someone shouted. The voice sounded really familiar, but he'd never heard it so loud.

"Hinata?" Naruto managed to say before being tackled to the ground. Hinata had a huge grin on her face, and was hugging Naruto like Ino tried to hug Sasuke.

"I caught you! I thought I'd never catch up." Hinata said, without a single stutter or hint of shyness.

"Are you feeling okay?" Naruto asked. He was extremely confused. Why was Hinata hugging him? "You don't seem to be, you know, normal."

"Oh you. It's that frankness that makes you so adorable." Hinata said, pinching Naruto's cheeks.

Okay, now Naruto was positive Hinata wasn't feeling so well. When the shyest girl in Konoha starts pinching cheeks, she's either running a temperature or it's the apocalypse. Then, a horseman's shadow fell over the both of them. Naruto was about to start yelling that it was the end of the world, but he sensibly looked up and saw it was Master Gai riding a pony.

"Well, I certainly wasn't expecting to meet you here Naruto. And in that position..." Gai said accusingly.

Naruto tried to shove Hinata off him, but she was locked on like a clampet. He just gave up and looked over at Gai.

"Why the hell are you riding a pony?" He asked.

"Oh! Well, it never hurts to get a pet, right? Keeps the spirit of youth alive! ONWARD TEACUP! LATENESS IS NOT ALLOWED!"

The pony seemed to be channeling Shikamaru, as it sighed and slowly shuffled onward. Naruto turned back to the problem of Hinata.

"Look, we should really get you to a doctor. I think you're sick." Naruto said, somewhat concerned.

"Oh, you want to play doctor now? All right, I'll be the nurse that inspects you. Or do you want to inspect me?" Hinata said playfully.

Naruto really couldn't think of anything to say. This was just way too weird. Seriously f'd up.

"If we're going to role play, we need to get some costumes. Come on Naruto! You can help me try on lingerie!"

Naruto had finally snapped back out of his shocked daze. He needed to get away from her. Fast. Hopefully whatever she caught wasn't contagious.

"Hinata, look! It's umm..." what did Hinata like? He couldn't easily distract her if he couldn't make up a cool object. Thankfully for him, the distracting object happened to be in a shop window.

"Oh wow!" Hinata exclaimed, dragging Naruto over to a jewelry shop window. "Look at that ring! It's so beautiful! Can it be our wedding ring?"

She turned to Naruto, but all she was holding was a dummy's hand. Naruto had run off.

"Sweetie? Where'd you go?" Hinata called out. "Oh, He must be shy. That's so cute!"

Hinata took off after Naruto , or at least the direction she thought he went. Naruto peeked out from the tree he was hiding in.

"Man, what's gotten into her? This is becoming a weird birthday..." Naruto hopped out of his hiding place, and resumed his journey to the ramen shop.

Sakura was carrying several large bags in her hands, barely able to see where she was going. "He better appreciate this..." Sakura thought. She was putting a lot of hard work into this party. She just hoped all the others were doing their respective jobs.

"Hello my sweet Sakura!"

Sakura looked around her bags to see Lee standing there grinning.

"Hi Lee. Do you mind moving? This stuff is heavy."

"Is it for the party?" Lee asked.

"How did you find out!" Sakura blurted. She regretted saying that almost immediately. It was just that nobody really wanted Lee or Gai to be at the party. They had a bad habit of ruining them. There was Shino's birthday. Then Kakashi's. The list went on and on. Lee didn't seem to mind though.

"Master Gai and I found out when I noticed this discarded invitation in your trash."

"What were you doing in my trash?" Sakura questioned.

"Ermm, here, let me help you carry that! In fact I'll carry you too!"

Lee threw Sakura and all her party supplies onto his shoulders.

"It's at the Ramen shop, correct?" Lee asked.

"Yes, it i...wait, is that Hinata?"

The two looked over at Hinata, who was searching under things and over things.

"Good morning miss Hyuuga! Are you keeping the fire of your youth burning?"

Hinata came over to them, still searching around.

"Hello! Have you seen Naruto? He ran away from me." Hinata stated.

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on him!" Sakura lashed.

"I was, but he ran off for some reason. My darling is just so shy...Wait, I can just use my Byakugan to find him! Hinata, you're a genius!"

Hinata runs off at top speed, leaving Sakura and Lee dazed.

"Did she just call Naruto her darling?" Sakura asked.

"Yes... she did. Maybe I should talk to Neji about this..."

The bell in Konoha rings, indicating it's 9:30.

"Oh no! The party is going to start in 8 hours! I've got to hurry! LATENESS IS NOT ALLOWED!" Lee shouted, running to the ramen shop. Sakura held on for dear life. She made a mental note to spit on Lee's grave after she finished killing him.

Naruto was almost there. Just two more blocks, then he'd have his delicious breakfast. He was still worried about Hinata though. Where'd she gone to? His question was answered in the form of another hug.

"There you are! Why did you run away?" Hinata said, squeezing Naruto.

"Oy vey...Hinata, will you please let go of me? I'm trying to go eat."

Hinata stepped back and her eyes started to well up.

"You just don't like me, do you?" Hinata started to cry.

"Oh no, don't cry! I didn't mean it like that! You're a great person, it's just..."

"So you do want to do it! You sly dog. Come on, honey, we'll go to my house!" Hinata grabbed Naruto and started pulling him along, having a much tighter grip.

"Wait, Hinata!" Naruto's cries were ignored as he was dragged back to the Hyuuga household.

Kiba was enjoying his ice cream very much. Chocolate Moose Tracks was his absolute favorite. He'd let Akamaru have a lick or two every once in a while. Then he saw the strangest sight. Hinata was not just touching, but dragging Naruto along. Kiba dropped his ice cream in shock. Hinata spotted him and skipped over.

"Hello Kiba! Isn't it a lovely day out?" Hinata said, reverting to her Naruto hugging state. "Naruto-kun and I were just going to my house for some..._fun_, if you get my drift."

"I...uh...that's...hunh?" Was all that the doggy ninja could spit out. Akamaru was also really confused. Naruto just mouthed 'help me' to Kiba.

"I need a favor though." Hinata resumed. "Do you have a collar?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess I do. Why?"

"Sweetie here keeps trying to get away, but he's just shy. Can I have it?"

Kiba could only hand over the collar and leash in disbelief. What had gotten into her? Maybe Shino knew... Kiba watched as Hinata clipped the collar around Naruto and kept dragging him along.

"For god sakes man, save me!" Naruto spit out as he was pulled around the corner. Kiba then remembered that he needed to get a gift for Naruto's birthday party, although from the looks of things there wouldn't be enough Naruto left by the end of the day to receive the present.

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The end of chapter one! I'm having a lot of fun with this one. Please review!


	2. The fury of the Hyuuga!

Hi again! I hope you are enjoying this. Read on! And I don't own Naruto.

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Naruto was worried. He really didn't want to go to Hinata's house, and he extremely worried about what she was going to do to him. The two clambered through the window into Hinata's room.

"What the heck?" Naruto said, looking around the room. The whole place was stuffed with pictures of him. On the ceiling, around the vanity, on the walls, everywhere. There was even a stuffed plushie of him on her bed.

"Like my room? It's full of your _adorable _face. Now, lets get down and dirty, shall we?"

Naruto tried to make a break for the door, but Hinata grabbed his collar and threw him down onto the bed.

"What about your dad? Where is he?"

"Oh, he's in the kitchen. That's all right, I'm sure he'll approve. Now, we're just going to have to do something about those clothes."

To Naruto's horror, Hinata started unzipping his pants.

"What the hell are you doing? You're not supposed to be touching that!"

Hiashi Hyuuga flipped through his newspaper, trying to find something interesting.

"Well, Dow is down by 7 points..."

Some ruckus from upstairs grabbed his attention. It sounded like it was coming from Hinata's room. He put down his paper and went to see what was the matter.

Naruto had finally gotten the upper hand. Hinata had thrown his pants out the window, but he'd managed to pin her down.

"Now listen! I don't want to have sex! I don't know what's wrong with you, but your going to see a doctor, and you're going to see one now!"

"But I don't want to!"

"I don't care! We're doing it, whether you like it or not!"

The door swung open, much to Naruto's chagrin. Mr. Hyuuga stood in the door way, looking absolutely livid. Naruto could only imagined how this looked.

"Hi dad!" Hinata said cheerfully.

"What do you think you're doing to my daughter!" he said with massive anger in his voice.

"Well...you see...it's not what it looks like!" Naruto said, trying to explain himself.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" He shouted, throwing the nearest object. Which happened to be a plushie. The plushie struck Naruto, and bounced off harmlessly, making and adorable squeaking sound. "AGRHHHH!"Then Mr. Hyuuga picked up something a lot more deadly. A shuriken. Naruto decided to make himself scarce.

"Naruto-kun, come back!"

"RRRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Naruto bolted down main street pantless while being chased by one of the most powerful ninja in the village and a crazy girl who wanted to do him. This was turning out to be a really akward day.

Sasuke was bored. He hated parties. And setting up for a party was even worse. He glared at Kakashi, who had forced him to come. Sakura was inspecting the presents.

"You got him a pony."

"Yep!" Lee and Gai chimed. They seemed extremely proud of themselves.

"Naruto can't keep a pony! He lives in an apartment!"

"So? I live an apartment, and I have 3 of the manliest pets alive!" Gai replied, striking a ridiculous pose.

"Like what? They can't be that big."

"They are turtles. Very sexy, manly turtles. They take after me."

"There is a massive size difference between turtles and ponies!" Sakura yelled.

"Master Gai, you are so wise! I must get a pet turtle now!" Lee cried, resulting in hugging and sunsets and tears, and then a lecture on the responsibilities of pet care. Sakura walked away from them in the fear that she would vomit.

"He's just doing this to outdo me." Kakashi said, adjusting the streamers.

"Why, what did you get him?" Sakura asked.

"Pornography and a bondage set." Kakashi answered frankly.

Sasuke looked at his sensei in disgust. He was such a pervert sometimes. All Sasuke got Naruto was a box of tissues.

"Who else is coming?" Lee asked. "I can round them up for you, my sweet Sakura!"

"Well, Ino said she'd come, and so did Kiba...Shikamaru and Choji are getting the cake... Neji declined...I'm not sure about Shino...and Hinata and Tenten should be coming too." Sakura said, rounding out the list.

"My good friend Neji declined? Something must be wrong with him! I must retrieve him immediately!"

Before anyone could protest, Lee was out the door and running.

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Lee! Oh, this is so much fun to write! Please review!


	3. Run Naruto Run!

Hi! All I can say is, I'm shocked. I never would have thought that so many people would review this...it has gotten 3 times more reviews than any of my other things, and I just did it for kicks! Thank you all very, very much. On to the fic!

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Naruto was still running. And it was almost time for the party (Not that he knew) He wondered what was fueling him at this point. Oh yeah, abject terror. He glanced back to see that both the hyuugas were still on his heels. He needed to ditch them, and fast. He dashed into the Wal-mart to see if he could get any plans.

Shikamaru was yelling at Choji inside the store.

"How could you eat that whole thing! We're not even out of the freakin store! I may be your best friend, but you're a total fat ass!"

"That hurts when you say that Shikamaru..." Choji whined, trying to wipe the last of the frosting off of his face. This always happened when cake was involved.

"Choji, there's a limit! Man, now we need another cake. We're going to be late. Just troublesome."

The door slid open and Shikamaru stared as a terrified Naruto ran by. This wouldn't have been horribly out of place if 1. He was wearing pants 2. The head of the Hyuuga household wasn't screaming vendettas and chasing him with a sword. And 3. Hinata wasn't following shouting 'I want you inside of me!'. Both Shikamaru's and Choji's jaws dropped and they couldn't say anything for a few minutes.

Kiba was looking for an appropriate gift. He was still worried about Hinata, but that could be handled a bit later. Akamaru barked at an orange vest that looked very Naruto-ish.

"All right, I'll try it on. We're about the same size I think." Kiba said and went to the changing rooms. He was told to go to room 3, and he did. However, the person in room 4 was very rude, and kept bashing the wall, knocking the mirror askew. Kiba stood on top of the bench and climbed on top of the changing thingees to give mister 4 a piece of his mind. What he saw would scar him for a good long time.

Meanwhile, in line, Neji was getting extremely irritated. Lee had somehow found him and was constantly poking him in the head to try and convince him to go to this stupid party.

"NejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNejiNeji..."

He had two options at this point. Kill Lee dead, which he desperately wanted to do, or go to the damn party. Master Gai wouldn't like option one, so Neji sighed and spoke.

"Fine. I'll go. Just shut up and leave me alone."

"Yosh!" Lee shouted, giving a thumbs up. "You'll need a present though."

Neji waited until Lee turned around, and grabbed a free sample of some cheese and put it in his pocket. Everyone liked cheese.

Naruto wished he could stop to get some pants, but at speeds of over 40 mph, grabbing pants is ill advised. He was running out of steam. Naruto looked in front of him at the wall of fat in his way.

"Move!" He shouted, toppling Choji into the lobster tank.

"Choji!" Shikamaru yelled.

"Naruto!" Hiashi yelled.

"MY LOVE!" Hinata yelled.

"AHHH!" Choji yelled

"M,sksdfjshbdjash" a lobster yelled, which is roughly translated as 'Oh dear, a overly large homo sapien has lost his equilibrium and gravity has pulled him on top of me. Help!'

Naruto had reached the sports section. His last chance to get rid of that psychotic dad. He threw anything he could at him. Basketballs, footballs, cups, anything. Then Naruto grabbed a scuba tank and tossed it. Hiashi couldn't shrug off a suba tank, so he caught it. Naruto took his opportunity to throw a shuriken, knocking off the top of the tank and releasing a jet of pressured air and blowing Mr. Hyuuga backwards. Right into the paint section. The chase was over. Well sorta...

"Naruto!" Hinata yelled, leaping at him for another tackle hug.

Naruto had enough sense by now to duck. Hinata sailed over him and crashed into the golf clubs.

"Thank god..." Naruto said, sitting down. Then the crash pile stood. Hinata rose from the clubs, hair frayed and her face looking positively scary.

"You're like a f'ing terminator!" Naruto yelled before running again.

Kiba was berating Shino as he zipped up his fly and Ino fixed her hair.

"What do you think you're doing? You two are in public! And you're not even a viable pair! How many ShinoxIno fanfics have you read!"

"Six, actually." Shino replied, adjusting his glasses. "It's what I do."

"Well stop it! Poor Akamaru wasn't supposed to learn what a ..well, you know... was for a good two years!"

"Do you mean a penis?" Shino said.

"Yes, and don't use that kind of foul language in front of poor Akamaru!"

Shino fumbled in his pants for a minute, and pulled out Ino's bra and tossed it to her. Kiba shuddered.

"Oh, be quiet. You'd do the same thing to someone if you weren't gay with your dog." Ino lashed.

"I'm not gay with my dog!"

"Actually, honey-lumpkins, he is gay with _me_ for some reason in a lot of fics."

Shino turns to the camera.

"For the record, I'm not gay with Inuzuka Kiba, or anyone else for that matter. So stop it."

"Who are you talking to?" Kiba asked, looking where Shino was. "And did you just call her honey-lumpkins!"

The conversation was interrupted by Naruto running by, still pantsless. Hinata looked even more determined than ever. Kiba decided it was time to get to the ramen shop, and ask someone what the hell was going on.

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That's it! I know this one is kinda short, so please forgive me! Please review!


	4. The Silence of the Uchiha

Wow, I'm honored that so many of you have reviewed this. I've even seen that some of you have put this on your favorite stories lists. Thank you all so much.

Disclaimers: I don't own Naruto or Silence of the Lambs. When you get to that reference, believe me, you'll know it.

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Sasuke felt like hitting something. He was just really pissed off. The party was supposed to start 15 minutes ago, but the only people here were Sakura, Kakashi, Iruka, Gai and him. God, he did not want to be here.

"Hey everybody, check out my package! C'mon, you know you want to look at it." Gai said.

"No, Gai, none of us want to look at your junk." Kakashi muttered.

"But I want everyone to see it! Why else would I wear this? You just don't want to look because you know mine is bigger."

Kakashi sighed and dropped his pants, shutting Gai up really fast. Iruka just looked away.

"What the score now? I belive I just evened it out to 50-50." Kakashi said smugly

Sakura punched both of the Jonin.

"YOU IDIOTS! I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT!"

Sasuke promptly left.

Naruto didn't know how he did it, but he'd managed to elude Hinata for a while. He needed a great hiding spot though. Where could he hide? That crazy girl had X-ray vision. Maybe if he could go somewhere she would never look...but where? He spotted Sasuke walking down the street.

"Sasuke! Thank god!"

"What do you want? And where are your pants?"

"I'll explain later, just hide me!"

"Umm, no."

"Please! I'll do anything!"

Sasuke got an evil look in his eye.

"Anything?"

"Err..."

A cry rang through the afternoon.

"NARUTO-KUN!"

"Yes! Anything! For the love of god, just hide me!"

Sasuke grinned and motioned for Naruto to follow him. The two took off to the Uchiha manor.

A few minutes later, Hinata showed up at the door. She politely knocked, and Sasuke opened the door. She was assaulted by a horrid combination of stenches.

"Hi Sasuke. Is Naruto here? I thought I smelt him..."

"No, he's not here. Your nose must be off."

"What are you cooking?" Hinata asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Sulfur, raw sulfur."

"Oh...Can I ask why?"

"No, no you can't. I'm very busy right now, so you'll have to look else where for him."

"...All right, but if you see him, tell him I want him."

"I'll do that."

Hinata ran off again, and Sasuke closed the door. Naruto popped up from behind the couch.

"Wow, I never thought that having a large supply of sulfur would ever come in handy. Now, what do I owe you?"

Sasuke broke into the manic grin again, and showed Naruto to the basement.

Lee and Neji were walking to the ramen shop, and Lee remembered something.

"Oh yes Neji, lady Hinata was acting quite strangely today. Do you know why that is?"

Neji pondered for a moment.

"Well she could have been hit on the head. Whenever a member of the Hyuuga clan is hit on the forehead, their personality changes completely. It's the fatal flaw of the Hyuugas."

"So if I were to hit you in the head right now, you wouldn't be such a fatalist bastard?"

"Well, yes, I suppo..wait, what?"

In Neji's moment of confusion, Lee punched him in the forehead. It was a knockout! Neji's body slid across the ground for a few feet, and came to a stop.

"My friend Neji?" Lee asked, poking him with a stick. "Are you alright?"

Neji stirred, and looked up at Lee. He smiled a huge smile.

Hinata sat on a bench, distraught. Her sweetie had escaped! She didn't know how, she was using the Byakugan. Maybe she should check with Sasuke again, it was the last place she smelled him. While getting up, she noticed a costume store across the street, and smiled. She had a plan...

Naruto shivered at the bottom of a pit. He was now shirtless as well, and it was kinda damp down here. Sasuke was at the top, and was lowering a bottle down to him.

"It puts the lotion on its skin." He said, still lowering the bottle.

"Sasuke, you are seriously screwed in the head! I just thought you would want me to carry you in a chair or something for a while, but this is just f'd up!"

"IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN!" Sasuke yelled, throwing another bottle of skin cream at Naruto.

"That's it, I'm outta here. At least Hinata isn't going to skin me." Naruto complained, before poofing off.

"Damn, now I'll never finish my people coat..." Sasuke said, plopping down.

Naruto wandered the streets, getting some odd looks from people. He really wanted some pants, or a shirt. Heck, clothes in general would be nice. At least he still had his underwear. He rounded a corner when a shot rang out, and something whizzed by his ear. He looked up to see Hinata at the end of the street with a tranquilizer gun and the classic hunter get-up. The pith helmet, the tan jacket and shorts, everything.

"I've got you now, Naruto-kun!" She shouted, reloading her gun.

"Damn it!" Naruto shouted, running in the opposite direction. Why why why? What was wrong with her?

"Come back, my love!" She yelled, running after him, trying to aim.

Kiba had finished wrapping the present, and was heading to the ramen shop. He was a little late, but he had been, distracted, by a lot of things. He still hadn't solved this Hinata mystery, and that whole Shino Ino thing had freaked him out. Then poor Kiba had to see another oddity for the day. Lee was hopping down main street, holding a plate of cookies. This wouldn't have been odd, but Neji was right behind him, skipping and holding cookies, and worst of all, wearing one of those hideous jump suits. It even looked like he was wearing some fake eyebrows. Kiba dropped his gift, and rubbed his eyes. Nope, he wasn't hallucinating. He had to talk to someone about this. Sasuke seemed sane enough. Kiba decided to go to his place.

Naruto was still peeling across town, and tranqs would fly by him every once in a while. He would never lose her now... Sasuke's offer of being made into a human coat didn't seem that bad right now.

"Naruto, why won't you love me?" Hinata shouted, reloading again. "I just want to have sex! Sweet, sweet sex!"

"God damn it, I don't want to sleep with you! You're terrifying!"

"You shouldn't be afraid of love!"

"When its chasing me with a gun I should!"

Itachi and Kisame walked down the street, an awkward silence between them.

"So." Itachi said. "Did you see Gilmore girls last night?"

"You know I don't watch that show." Kisame retorted. "And besides, Shark week was on Discovery."

"How many times are you going to watch that?" Itachi asked. "Say, isn't that the kyuubi kid?"

Naruto ran smack into Kisame, falling backwards.

"Ow! Get out of my way!" Naruto yelled. "Oh, it's you guys."

"Today is the day we capture you!" Kisame said, drawing Samehada.

"Look you two, I'm really not in the mood. I'm kinda busy saving my life..."

"But you should be afraid of us..." Itachi whined.

"Yeah sure...just not today, okay? Can't you go bug Gaara or something?"

There was a sudden thwip sound, and Naruto twitched and pulled a pink dart out of his neck.

"Shit..." he mumbled, and slumped over. Hinata ran up and squeezed her knocked out love interest.

"Hey, girl." Itachi said.

Hinata ignored him and kept on hugging, joyous that she had finally caught her one true love!

"HEY!"

Hinata looked up to see the two akatsuki members glaring at her.

"He is ours to take." Itachi said sternly. "Hand him over."

"Never! I'll never let him go! SHUGOHAKKE ROKUJUYON SHO!" Hinata screamed, unleashing her devastating attack on Itachi. Normally, this attack is pretty powerful, but when fueled by a raging Hinata, it is enough to blow an S class criminal clear out of Konoha.

"AHHHH!" Itachi yelled as he was practically incinerated by the awesome power of the attack. He lay on the ground twitching and burning. Kisame wasn't sure if these twitches meant he was still alive or if he was dead and those were just after death muscle spasms. Either way he decided this would be a good time to leave.

Hinata went back to hugging her unconscious love, and smiled. Time to get back to her house!

Meanwhile, Kiba knocked on Sasuke's door. Sasuke peeked out of the door.

"Yes?"

"Hi Sasuke. I was just wondering if you know what's going on around here today. Everyone is acting so weird..."

"Why don't you come on in, I'll explain to you indoors..."

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That does it for chapter 4! This was originally only going to be 4 chapters, but I've been inspired! And just to clarify a few things, I like Kiba. I realize that I make a lot of fun of him or kill him in nearly all my fics, but I do find him an enjoyable character! Someday, I'll do a good fic about him. And I find Shino saying Penis hilarious, and you should too. And also, sorry Neji fans. Please review!


	5. Snakes, Strawberries, and Shikamaru

Chapter 5 ahoy! I worked double time on this! I fell kinda dirty about the first couple parts.. I hope you like it anyway. We begin in Orochimaru's lair...

Standard disclaimers apply here too.

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Kabuto ran up the stairs, and burst into Orochimaru's room.

"Lord Orochimaru! I've got a...report...what are you doing?"

"Ack!" Orochimaru cried, covering his computer screen rather quickly. "N-nothing! Nothing at all! Yes, absolutely nothing! Now what about that report?"

"...Is that porn?"

"N-no! O-of course not! What would give you that idea?"

"It's gay kiddie porn isn't it?"

"N-no it isn't!" Orochimaru stuttered. "Out with the report!"

"I...uh...Konoha...nevermind, I don't even remember anymore."

Kabuto walked out of his lords office, shaking his head in shame.

Meanwhile, Naruto stirred. He tried to move his arms, but no use. Legs? Nope. He was chained up to Hinata's bed apparently, and she had done quite a job rigging it up. One of the first things Naruto noticed was his privates were in a _lot_ of pain. He craned his neck to see that Hinata had somehow gotten a pair of exceptionally tight leather shorts on him, and they were twisting his genitalia into all sorts of unmentionable shapes.

"Oww..." he moaned.

"You're awake!" Hinata yelled, entering the room. She was wearing a very revealing maid outfit. Naruto blushed and looked the other way.

"Umm..Hinata? Could you let me go? I'm really hungry, and cold, and in pain."

"Of course I can't do that silly! I've got to give the birthday boy his, gift, you know."

It was his birthday! How could he forget? Naruto wondered if anyone else had remembered.

"I guess I can get you something to eat. I'll be right back!" Hinata said cheerily. She ran off into the kitchen.

In Sasuke's basement...

"Akamaru! How could you betray me like this?" Kiba shouted, shivering at the bottom of the pit.

"Dogs listen to whoever has the food. Isn't that right Fluffy?" Sasuke said, petting 'fluffy' and giving him some chocolate.

"His name's Akamaru!"

"PUT ON THE GOD DAMN LOTION!"

Kiba whimpered and began rubbing lotion on himself.

Hinata re-entered the room, holding a tray of chocolate covered strawberries.

"Here's your snack sweetie!" Hinata said, sitting on Naruto's stomach.

"I kinda wanted ramen..." Naruto whispered.

Hinata giggled and started eating strawberries as seductively as she could.

"Here honey, why don't you have some..." Hinata cooed. She took a strawberry and, much to Naruto's dismay, put it on her chest. She shoved the snack right into his face.

"Now make sure you lick up every last bit!" She giggled.

Naruto took pride in his ability to ignore most women, and keep his hormones in check. This was really testing him though. He tried desperately to look anywhere else, think of anything else!

'Okay, look the other way. They're just breasts, you've seen em before. No sexy thoughts. Not a one. What's something that isn't sexy? Ibiki's scars! That's a good start. What else...cold showers! Wait, not Kakashi in the cold shower! He's too bishi! Crap...um...Old ladies! Wrinkly old ladies! Wait, Tsunade is old! Ah! No boobs! Crap! They're too close!'

"Hinata, I don't want to eat that! Please get your chest away from my face!" Naruto yelled.

She sighed and stood up again.

"Okay, so maid outfits aren't your thing. Maybe I've just got to get inside you and see what you like..."

'Oh crap' Naruto thought. 'What did she mean by that?'

Hinata started to nibble on his ear. Naruto did the only thing he could do. He screamed.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME! SHE'S GONNA MAKE ME HER SEX SLAVE!"

Jiraiya happened to be walking by and heard this line. He decided that this was his conscious talking to him, and it was obviously implying he needed to make a movie around that line. He dashed off to find Tsunade.

Hinata sighed again and looked at Naruto.

"What's the matter honey?"

"You're gonna rape me!"

"But I need you! You are my precious! My one and only true love! Surely you feel the same way!"

Naruto would have fallen over if he wasn't chained to a bed.

"The fact that I've been running from you all day in sheer terror hasn't clued you in?"

"It looks like we might have to see a marriage counselor about this..."

"But we aren't married!"

"Don't worry, we'll fix that in due time. Now, who is really smart...I know! We'll go see Shikamaru!"

Hinata unchained Naruto, and put the leash around his neck again.

"Off we go!"

"But wait! I need pants!"

Naruto's protests were ignored, and the two (well, one. Naruto was kinda being dragged) walked out into the sunlight.

Sakura was fast asleep on the table. It had been hours, and no one had shown up. She was awoken with a bang as Lee and Neji entered.

"GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! I apologize for my lateness! We have brought cookies to make up for this horrendous mistake in timing judgement!"

"We?" Kakashi wondered aloud, looking up from his book. He nearly fell out of his chair when he saw Neji standing there, happy as a clam and wearing one of those hideous green jump suits.

"Neji! Hyuuga Neji?" Iruka asked, not believing his eyes.

"THAT IS INDEED MY NAME! How kind of you to notice, Iruka-sensei!" Neji shouted, startling everyone. He was acting like Lee. Something was terribly, terribly wrong.

"Are those fake eyebrows?" Sakura asked, poking them with a stick.

"Yes, they are! I do not have the fortune of growing real, manly eyebrows such as Master Gai and my best friend Lee, so I had to improvise!"

Everyone in the restraunt had the WTF! Look on their faces, except Gai. He just had a huge smile.

"LEE YOU'VE DONE IT! I'm so proud of you!"

"THANK YOU MASTER GAI!" The two hugged and cried.

"COME NEJI! JOIN US IN THIS BEAUTIFUL MOMENT OF STUDENT-TEACHER BONDING!"

"I AM HONORED, MASTER GAI!" Neji wailed, and lept into the frenzy of squeezing and tears.

"What exactly has Lee done? Turned Neji into a freak too?" Kakashi said, eyeing the odd moment.

"Looks that way..." Sakura said.

"Why don't you ever hold me like that Kakashi?" Iruka whined.

"Dammit Iruka, I'm not gay."

Gai wiped away the last of the tears and snot.

"Will you two continue to spread my messages of manliness and the power of youth?"

"OF COURSE WE WILL!" The two wept.

"In fact, we shall go right now! Isn't that right, best friend Lee?" Neji stated, turning to Lee.

"Neji! You are learning so quickly! You truly are my best friend!"

"HEY!" Sakura yelled. "Lee, you were supposed to get everyone for the party, not just Neji."

"YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! I MUST AMEND THIS MISTAKE BY RUNNING THREE-THOUSAND LAPS AROUND KONOHA!"

"I AM ALSO TO BLAME! I SHALL RUN SIX-THOUSAND LAPS!" Neji shouted.

The two ran out of the ramen shop like twin bolts of green lightning.

"No, wait!" Sakura yelled, trying to stop the two. Gai sniffled and looked off into the sunset.

"Those boys make me so proud..." he said, crying.

Meanwhile...

"That's it, I'm gone." kiba muttered, and attempted the poofy jutsu. However, it didn't work.

"I don't make the same mistakes twice." Sasuke chuckled, holding up a can of anti-ninja spray. "No gets out of that pit without my say so. It's ninja proof.Now, start rubbing for the next, oh, 15 hours. I've got to keep up my daily facade."

"You sick bastard!"

"You're not rubbing!"

"How many people coats have you made?"

"Well, this is my first one, but you are the last piece."

"Oh my God!"

Else where, Shikamaru sighed and looked at his opponent. Oh yeah, no one. It sucked being so good at this game. No one would ever play against him. He sighed again and moved his shogi piece.

"Shikamaru!"

Someone was looking for him. How troublesome. The front gate opened, and he gasped in shock. This shows you how much of a surprise this was, as gasping was on the top of Shikamaru's most troublesome list. It was Hinata, in a maid outfit, dragging Naruto along. And Naruto was wearing this really tight leather pants. It was terrifying, to say the least. He recalled seeing the two earlier, and Hinata apparently had caught up to Naruto.

"Uh...hi?" he waved.

"Hi Shikamaru!" Hinata said cheerily. "Listen, we need some help with something. You see, Naruto and I need to understand each other better, and a marriage counselor would really help."

"Sorry."

"Why not?"

"It's just too troublesome.."

Hinata lashed out with surprising agility and latched her hands around Shikamaru's neck.

"I'm sure that being in a coma is a lot more troublesome than answering a few questions." She said menacingly.

"Okay then!" he smiled, and began to pray for his soul. "So, what seems to be the problem?"

"She wants to do me, but I don't want to do her." Naruto said.

"Alright, so Hinata, why do you want to do him?"

"Because everyone wants a little fox in them, if you catch my drift."

Shikamaru was stunned. This was _not_ Hinata. No way would she say something like that.

"Uh...well...I'm really not sure what else I should say...is there any way you could resolve this?"

"She could let me go and be normal. Please?"

Hinata raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean by that? I'm as normal as the day I was born."

The two fell over in comedic fashion. Hinata turned back to Shikamaru.

"So is there any way I could seduce him? You're a man, surely you would know a way!"

"First, you might want to capture him."

Shikamaru pointed to Naruto running off into the distance. Hinata stared at the snapped leash in her hand.

"Naruto-kun! Come back!"

"Run Naruto! Run like you've never run before!"

The chase was on again! Kiba dragged himself along the ground. Getting out of that pit hurt like a bitch,( it was quite a daring escape, you figure it out yourself)and now he didn't even have Akamaru. This was turning out to be a terrible day. Suddenly, he heard in the distance...

"It has escaped! It needs to finish putting the lotion on!"

"Damn it!" Kiba cried, forcing himself to stand up and run.

At the gate of Konoha...

"All right! Vacation in Konoha!" Temari shouted, putting her suitcase down.

"This should be a nice break from all that sand..." Kankuro said, looking around. Gaara stood there, looking at something coming from the left.

"See something Gaara?" Temari asked, looking where he was. It seemed to be someone with blonde hair, and not wearing much in the way of clothing.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

The three stared as Naruto ran by, wearing some god awful leather shorts.

"Come back my love!" Hinata screeched, brandishing a pair of handcuffs.

Kiba also ran by, followed by Sasuke screaming 'It puts the lotion on its skin!' Itachi dragged himself along the ground, still on fire. Lee and Nejisprintedby, yelling some nonsense about the spirit of youth. Temari and Kankuro's jaws nearly broke through the ground. Gaara retained his composure and turned around.

"There is no way I'm getting involved in this fanfic." Gaara stated quite simply.

"Yeah, lets go home..." Kankuro agreed, and the three would not be seen again in this fic.

-------------------------

Yeah chapter 5! I just felt like doing a different opening for once. And a different ending. Boy I'm having fun with this! I hope I can get all the characters involved at some point or another.

Please review!


	6. The Trouble with Jumpsuits

Ahhh, the sweet smell of a new chapter. Enjoy!

Oh, I don't own Naruto or Monty Python.

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Naruto sprinted like an olympic champion. This could be his last chance! Escape! He had to get back home! Two other runners pulled up along side him.

"Good afternoon Naruto! I see you are enjoying the power of youth?" Lee grinned.

"No, No I'm not. Right now I'm running for my life."

"That is too bad! Here, take this. Lee and I are passing out free jumpsuits! Have fun!" Neji smiled.

"Not you too!" Naruto complained, but didn't stop running. There was one place he could go now where he could make sense of all of this. The Hokage's office.

"NARUTO-KUN!"

Neji spotted the next unfortunate victim. It was their teammate, Tenten.

"Good afternoon Tenten!" Lee joyously shouted.

"Hey you two." She said, then looked up and screamed.

Naruto ran up the stairs four at a time. He heard Hinata crashing behind him like some wild beast. In the office itself...

"Jiraiya, I don't see how this is going to pay off all my debts and get me a free lifetime supply of alcohol." Tsunade mused.

"It will, because it's the best idea **_ever_**." The super-pervert stated, setting up the camera. "Now take off that shirt, it's only going to get in the way."

Tsunade grumbled and laid down on the bed. If this did pay off all the debts, it might be worth it. Maybe. Probably not. Actually, this was a terrible idea.Why was she doing this again?

"Here comes daddy!" Jiraiya squealed, and tore off his shirt.

"Tsunade-baa-chan!" Naruto shouted bursting into the room.

Everyone immediately froze. It was as if time stopped for the moment. Naruto's face went from terror, to confusion, to terror again, and then revulsion in about three seconds flat.

"I'm gonna throw up." he moaned.

"DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK?" Tsunade shrieked, and smashed a poor little bedside table.

"Old people sex is so gross..."

Naruto remembered why he was here and slammed the door behind him, and then a large Hinata shaped dent appeared in it.

"You've gotta help me! Hinata's been trying to get into my pants all day, and she's come very close to succeeding a couple of times!"

"What pants?" Jiraiya asked, pointing to Naruto's awful shorts.

A large crack appeared in the door as Hinata ran into it again. I wouldn't hold for much longer.

"Please! Just help me! I'll even leave you guys alone for a while!"

Tsunade lept at the opportunity. Any chance to get rid of Naruto for a while was a good chance.

Hinata's fist burst through the door, and she peered in, a demented smile on her face.

"Heeeeeeeere's HINATA!" She cackled, and broke down the door. Naruto cowered behind Jiraiya.

"Okay Hinata..."Tsunade spoke, walking up to her. " I think you need to leave Naruto alone for a little while..."

"You're in my way!" Hinata yelled, and punched Tsunade through a wall. Jiraiya dove under the bed for cover. He was terrified of anyone who could beat Tsunade with a single punch.

"My Darling!" Hinata sighed, and dove for another hug. Naruto grabbed the nearest object, a chair, and smashed it over Hinata's head. Of course, this wouldn't be enough to stop the crazed Hyuuga.

"Take me, Naruto!" she yelled between cracks of random objects being smashed on her back. Naruto was taking anything he could reach now. Chairs, potted plants, Tsunade's pet pig, anything!

"Screw it!" He yelled, before crashing through the window. Hinata followed suit.

Jiraiya crawled out from his hiding place, and looked at the only thing left standing in the room. His camera. He sighed and walked over to it.

"Well, I could always send the tape to Konohagakure's Funniest Home Videos..."

Meanwhile, Tenten was up a tree, desperately trying to keep Lee and Neji away from her.

"Come on Tenten, it's not like we are going to hurt you!" Lee whined, dodging a kunai.

"Lee is correct!" Neji said, stepping aside to avoid a scythe. "We only want you to put on this jumpsuit and except the fact that Gai sensei is god!"

"You're not Neji! Lee what have you done with him!"

"What do you mean? This is the real Neji. He just learned to except the truth." Lee simply put it.

"Please Tenten! We only want what is best for you!" Neji pleaded.

"I'm not putting on that hideous jumpsuit! Nothing good can come out of those things! Nothing!"

"Please!" Lee asked, giving Tenten the puppy dog eyes. Tenten only cringed.

"Lee, you're not cute when you do that. In fact, it's kinda frightening..."

"But my best friend Lee is right! You must put on this suit and help us spread the philosophy of Gai through out the world!" Neji shouted, doing the nice guy pose.

"Lee! What have you done with Neji? Where is the real one? Why won't you shave your eyebrows? What the hell is my last name?"

Lee pouted and crossed his arms.

"Geez Tenten, I thought we were your friends. I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition..."

Suddenly Baki, Aburame Shibi, Mizuki, The 3rd Hokage's ghost, and Ibiki all jumped out from behind a tree, wearing red cloaks.

"Nooo one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!" Baki said nasally.

"A SURPRISE PARTY!" Neji shouted, and clapped his hands and jumped up and down. Tenten fell out of the tree in a comedic fashion.

"Grab her!" Lee yelled, and he and Neji lept on top of her (Not like that, sicko.)

Naruto panted, hiding in a back alley. He stared at the jumpsuit he'd gotten from Neji. Was it _really_ worth it? It was better than what he had now... Naruto eventually resigned himself to putting on the embarrassing thing.

"Oh...Naruto kun!"

All the hairs on Naruto's back stood up, and he slowly turned to see Hinata stalking down the alley.

"That jumpsuit is so tight, it really shows off all your **manliest** features..."

"Get away from me! I know karate!"

"And I know ninjutsu."

Damn. Naruto thought. He glanced down to see a poster on the ground that said...

_Come see the newest rock sensation out of Otogakure!_

_The Sound Five are now playing at the Konoha Megadrome! Come here and rock out!_

Tickets are being sold at the gate. Where else are you supposed to sell tickets?

Naruto got an idea. It was crazy, but it just might work...

"Hey, uh, Hinata, wanna go on a date?"

"A DATE!" Hinata squealed, and hugged Naruto so hard he thought he might pop.

"Yes, that's right, a date. Why don't we, um, you go home and get ready. I'll meet you...sometime. In fact, lets forget the whole thing ever happened, and just let me go eat, okay?"

"Don't be silly! I'll meet you at my house at six o clock, okay? By then!"

Hinata actually left. Naruto was stunned by this development, and jumped for joy. Since he was wearing the spandex though, something got pinched by something else and he fell to the ground crying. How the hell did Lee train in one of these? And speaking of Lee...

"YOSH! THE TEAM GAI IS NOW COMPLETE!"

Lee and Neji hugged and cried, and spouted some nonsense about the power of youth. Tenten was trying to figure out how to get out of this damn suit. It didn't have a zipper, and it couldn't stretch far enough to get out of any holes.

"Lee, how do you get this thing off?"

"But why would you ever want to take it off?"

"Just tell me how."

"I SHALL ANSWER THE QUESTION!" Neji roared. "It's simple. They don't come off."

"You're kidding." Tenten glared.

"My best friend Neji is most certainly not kidding! It functions a bit like a lobster trap. After the first year, it starts to fuse with your skin. I practically feel naked all the time!" Lee smiled, giving a thumbs up.

"HOORAY FOR NUDITY!"

"IT IS YOUTHFUL!"

The two laughed and hugged, again. Tenten couldn't stand seeing Neji like this. It was just disturbing.

"Youthful Tenten, you do not seem pleased!" Neji noticed.

"I know!" Lee yipped, dramatically pointing to a poster on the wall. "We shall take her to the concert! Music is very youthful!"

"But I don't really like that band..." Tenten began to protest.

"WE MUST HURRY! LATENESS IS NOT ALLOWED!" The two genin yelled simultaneously, and dragged Tenten to the Konoha Megadrome.

Meanwhile, Sasuke rubbed his backside. He glared at the person he ran into. Kiba had escaped because of him! Oh wait, it was more than one person...Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon all rubbed the back of their heads.

"Hey, watch where you're going! Oh, sorry Sasuke, thought you were someone else." Konohamaru said.

Oh well, these three made up for the loss of one, Sasuke thought.

"I've got candy at my house."

"Yeah!" the three of them cheered, and followed Sasuke back to the Uchiha manor...

---------

That's it! Sorry that it's been so long, but I've been busy lately...oh well. Please review!


	7. Mitarashi Anko's Excellent Introduction

Chapter 7! I never thought it would get this far...have fun!

On a side note, I've gotten 50 reviews! (Confetti and noisemakers) I'd like to give special thanks to mechman123, Elysium, GHOSTplanetINC, SaotomeKyuubi, HatakeSanuka, Shinta Azechi, Lady-Azura, uzamaki-girl, wolfcrossbreed, Requiem of the Desert, Fang50, monsters and clowns, Black Mage Leah, travis blauser, pyro, eman555, Paperclipluver, Sunfire99, full-metal-souske, animefreak1457, olena, azariathedreamer, Izzy chan 101, merkitten, Lovin' Gaara, Crazy no Jutsu, ni8k, BoBoBo 009, naruto #1fan, naru, Heroes-of-Love, and Lady Awesome. I really do appreciate it you guys. Sorry if I missed anyone.

Now get readin!

--

Mitarashi Anko was having a good day. She got to sleep in late, the shower water was the perfect temperature, and her coffee didn't taste like burnt death in a cup. She adjusted her fluffy pink bathrobe, and sat on the couch to watch some Lost reruns. Nothing could ruin her day. Nothing. She heard what sounded like whimpering coming from her room.

"Who's there?"

After no one answered, she stood up and went to check. There was a mysterious lump in her bed, and she flipped off the covers to see who it was. Anko was shocked to find Kiba, shirtless and terrified.

"Is he gone?" Kiba whispered.

"What are you doing in my house?"

"Is Uchiha Sasuke here or not?" Kiba said loudly, grabbing Anko by the shoulders.

"No, he's not. Now answer my question, dammit."

Kiba told Anko everything. The odd Hinata thing, Shino and Ino 'culminating' their 'friendship', and being held by Sasuke in a pit and losing his dog. Anko looked absolutely heartbroken.

"B-but _I'm_ supposed to be the crazy one around here!" Anko whined.

"Not today."

Anko was practically on the verge of tears. She couldn't lose her title! SHE was the crazy one! This was terrible!

"I...I...(sniff) Waaaaaaaaaaaa!" Anko began to cry.

"Oh, come on, don't cry. You're still pretty crazy! You won all those awards, remember?"

Anko looked proudly up at her favorite things on the mantle, her Crazies. She had won the Best Crazy by a kunoichi for 4 years running. She couldn't give up now!

"Thank you Kiba! You have re inspired me to stay at the top of the crazy list!"

"That's good. Okay, I'm going to go home now and get into some clothes..."

Anko grabbed him by the back of the neck, effectively halting his progress.

"Oh no you don't. I need an accomplice!"

"But I need clothes!"

"Wear this." She said, tossing him her bathrobe.

"But what about you? Now you don't have any clothes!" Kiba said, blushing and looking the other way.

"No one was thrown in a mental hospital for wearing clothing! Come Dog boy! We'll paint the town crazy tonight!"

And Anko dragged kiba out the door, naked as the day she was born. Kiba only wondered what he did to deserve this treatment.

Naruto ran to the ramen shop, or at least as fast as his suit allowed him to run. It may have taken him all day, but he was finally going to get his ramen. He burst into the shop, and quizzically looked at Sakura, Kakashi, Gai and Iruka putting away party decorations.

"What are you guys doing?" he asked The other four looked up.

"NARUTO!" Sakura yelled, before smacking him on the head.

"OW! Hey, what was that for?"

"You were supposed to be here about 5 hours ago." Kakashi explained. "As was everybody else."

"Why was I supposed to be here?"

"Because it's your birthday moron!" Sakura yelled.

"Oh yeah! I forgot!"

The others sighed. Iruka glanced at what Naruto was wearing.

"Naruto, why are you wearing one of Lee's jumpsuits?"

"BECAUSE HE IS YOUTHFUL!" Gai shouted.

"No, because it's better than wearing tight leather shorts."

Gai looked disheartened. Naruto explained the whole tale over a steaming bowl of ramen.

"Sasuke would never do that!" Sakura gasped. "And neither would Hinata! I wouldn't have believed you about Neji either, but I saw him with my own eyes..."

Kakashi was holding his sides, trying not to laugh. Iruka just rolled his eyes. Gai smiled, because, what else can he do?

"Yeah, and now I have to go on a date with Hinata, or she'll rip my insides out and eat my soul."

"BUT THAT IS IN THE FUTURE!" Gai proclaimed. "It is the present now! Now open my gift!"

Naruto pulled the massive gift out of Gai's hands, and opened it. The ribbons fell to the floor, and Choji lay inside the box, holding his stomach, blood smeared around his mouth.

"Ohhh..."

"Where is teacup?" Gai wondered, looking around.

"Choji, you didn't..." Sakura began, but then Choji belched up a horseshoe.

"Those don't go down easily..." He moaned.

Gai kneeled and picked up the shoe off the ground. He stared at it for a minute, and then threw his head back and howled.

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why Teacup, why? Struck down in the prime of your youth!"

Iruka looked around at the mess that Choji made.

"Did you eat _all_ the presents?"

Choji belched again and nodded.

"Even the non-edible ones?"

"Yeah..."

Kakashi shook his head, and made a mental note to tell Asuma to put Choji on a diet. He looked at the clock.

"Naruto, you might want to get going."

"Crap...hey Gai, before I go, how do you get out of these things?" Naruto said, pointing at the jumpsuit.

Gai lept to his feet and did the nice guy pose.

"THEY DO NOT COME OFF!" He stated.

Naruto felt like crying. This day sucked, and it sucked hard. He resigned himself, and went out the door. All was quiet for a minute, then Sakura slammed her fist on the counter.

"HE NEVER SAID THANK YOU!"

Kakashi ignored her and glanced at Choji.

"I can't believe you ate the bondage set..."

Meanwhile, at the Hyuuga estate, Naruto gulped and knocked on the door. There was some sort of squeaking sound, and no one other than Hiashi Hyuuga. He was in a wheelchair, and wearing a neckbrace. Most of his limbs were is casts.

"YOU!" he growled, and tried to reach Naruto. Thankfully for our hero, the entrance to the household has a slight lip, so no matter how hard he pushed the forward button, Hiashi could not reach Naruto. It was kinda sad and funny at the same time.

"Goddam machine..." He muttered, his eyes fixed on Naruto with deadly intent.

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata said, shoving her father out of the way. He screamed and crashed into what sounded like the good china.

Hinata was wearing a black t-shirt, with mesh sleeves. She also black baggy pants. The oddest thing however, was her head. She had spiked her hair in all sorts of directions, and each on was pink at the end. Her ears were covered in earrings. Naruto was stunned.

"Why are you wearing that?"

"It is a rock concert silly. Now lets get going!" she smiled, and hooked her arm around Naruto's and pulled him towards the Konoha Megadrome.

At the actual Drome itself...

"I don't see why Orochimaru has us put on these shows. Isn't there an easier way to make some cash?" Kidomaru complained, double checking his piano readings.

"But this _is _fun, right?" Sakon asked, tuning his guitar. Ukon popped out of the side of his head.

"Why aren't we called the Sound Six? Don't I count for anything?"

"Sakon, shut your brother up." Jirobo grunted, plugging in his ELECTRIC TAMBOURINE!

"Brother? This is a tumor."

The other four stared at him.

"You should **really** get that checked out then." Kimimaro stated, pulling out his ribs to make the worlds most kick ass pair of drumsticks.

"Okay you shitbags, don't (Insert honking sound) it up this time." Tayuya menaced. The group looked around for the cause of the mysterious honking.

"What the (Foghorn) was that!" Tayuya cussed again. "There it is again!"

"That would be the T rating. It blocks most forms of violent swearing." Shino explained.

"What are you doing here?"

"Saving a seat for my fiancé."

Jirobo was about to say something, but Shino is so convincing, it's very hard to argue with him. They just shrugged and prepared themselves for the onslaught of adoring, pierced and generally emo looking fans.

At the ticket gate, Lee was arguing with the gatekeeper.

"But sir! We must get in! Our friend here needs to become youthful!" he cried, pointing to Tenten.

"Look Lee, I don't really want to go..."

"NONSENSE!" Lee and Neji shouted, getting several odd stares.

"All right, just calm down! You're making a scene."

Lee and Neji continued to argue, and Tenten sighed and returned to the task of trying to get this stupid suit off. She looked up long enough to see Hinata dragging Naruto along. As if her day weren't odd enough already.

"My boyfriend would like to purchase two tickets please!" Hinata quipped, looking as happy as a clam.

"Sorry, fresh out of tickets."

Hinata's eye twitched slightly.

"I don't think you understand. This is a very important date."

"There's nothing I can do, girl."

Hinata proceeded to gentle fist the teller until his heart exploded. She calmly climbed over the counter and grabbed his keys.

"Come on honey, we can get VIP seats now!"

Naruto didn't know wether he should be impressed or wet himself. She was so scary!

"LADY HINATA!" Neji yelled.

"BROTHER NEJI!"

The two hugged and did some sort of secret Hyuuga handshake. Even Lee looked startled that Neji hugged his cousin.

"I see you have procured some backstage passes! May we have some?"

"Sure! We can have a double date! You and Lee will just have to threesome with Tenten."

Tenten looked mortified at the prospect. Both she and Naruto were dragged backstage.

"So Lee got you too?" Tenten queried, looking at Naruto's clothes.

"Yeah, I thought it would come off..."

"How do we ditch these guys? They're all acting so weird...well, except for Lee. He's pretty normal." Tenten wondered.

"Well, I was thinking that in the chaos of the concert, I could escape! Everyone knows that the power of music cancels out the Byakugan."

"Right. Good idea Naruto!... Wait, it does?"

"Hell if I know, but anything's worth a shot at this point."

And so the two were dragged into the drome...

--

That's it for chapter 7! Don't worry, I'm trying my hardest to get everyone in this, even if it's just a little. Please review!


	8. The Sound 5 vs The Spanish Inquisition

Chapter 8! At the concert! It's the triumphant return of the Spanish Inquisition! Oh, and Tayuya has a very dirty mouth, but if you read chapter 7, you ought to know (most) of them are blanked out. And there is an _extremely _random Black Cauldron reference. But, I think you've come to expect really random things from me.

Have fun!

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Naruto, Lee, Hinata, Neji, and Tenten all took their seats. Naruto scanned around, looking for the best escape route. He could probably jump off the balcony they were on, into the insane crowd below, and find his way out. Hopefully for her sake, Tenten would follow.

"I SHALL PROCURE THE SNACKS!" Lee shouted, and ran to the concessions stand.

Lee had some very bad timing, as the band came out onto the stage almost the minute he left. The crowd went wild as they took their spots.

"What is up, Konoha?" Tayuya spoke into the microphone. The crowd roared in reply.

"Are you ready to ROCK?" She asked again.

"YES!" Most of the crowd shouted.

"No, Not really." Shikamaru replied, sitting right next to the stage.

"Then why are you even here?' Kidomaru asked, agitated.

"Because my dad." he replied, pointing to his father. He was wearing a Sound Five T-shirt, had a Sound Five slurpee cup in his hand, and was hopping up and down like a giddy school girl, spilling said slurpee all over the said t-shirt in the process.

"That's kinda creepy."

"And embarrassing. I'm really very ashamed to be related to him right now."

"Kidomaru, you (bike horn)bag! Get focused!" Tayuya barked, inwardly cursing this retarded T rating.

Kimimaro clicked his sticks, and the band started.

"_We are the ones who stalk in the night, filling you up with ninja-y fright..._"

Meanwhile, Lee was attempting to balance food of comedic proportions. The hot dogs were slightly listing, so he hopped on his right foot to counteract it. This, however, made the cheesy fries start falling, so he had to hop on his right foot. Then, the amount of grease from the fried dough caused the bottom of the paper bag they were in to rip, and all the food fell to the ground.

"NOO! This is terrible! What shall my teammates think of me now, having failed such an easy task! I simply must try again!"

Lee dusted himself off, and went back to the stand.

" ..._Gonna stab you in the eye! With a kunai!..._"

"So, Tenten! Are you feeling youthful yet?" Neji asked. Tenten was plugging her ears, and making sure she didn't miss the cue from Naruto to book it.

"Um, sure! Yes, I'm very youthful."

Neji squinted, looking at her. She didn't seem to be **acting** all that youthful...

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! Now please Neji, leave me alone!"

"YOU LIAR! You aren't youthful at all! Lee better hurry up with those snacks..."

Naruto kept glancing at Hinata to make sure she didn't try anything. She seemed pretty wrapped up in the music, however. That was a good thing. Now, when to escape...

"_Ninja of the NIIIIIIGGHHTTTTT!_" Tayuya sang, ending the first song. The crowd went nuts, especially Shikamaru's dad.

"Thank you! Now that I have a moment, we have a couple of things to say. First, thanks to the Hokage for letting us put on this show, and Icharaku ramen for sponsoring. Also, this is for Yamanaka Ino. It says, 'Will you marry me? From, Aburame Shino'"

"Oh, Shino!" Ino gasped. She and Shino were sitting right next to Hinata and Naruto. "Of course! I would never marry anyone else!" Then the two started vigorously making out.

"Woah." Naruto stated, impressed that Shino put any emotion into anything. And from the looks of things, he was trying to put a little more than emotion in Ino... "WOAH!"

"Next song!" Sakon cheered.

"_Somewhere in the dark moonlight, a random ninja asks you to fight..."_

"Naruto..." Hinata whispered into his ear. Naruto felt a chill go all the way up his spine. He also felt Hinata's hand going somewhere it really didn't belong.

"GET YOUR HAND AWAY FROM MY CROTCH!"

Tayuya stopped and glared up at them. She coughed and resumed the song.

"_Be prepared! He could pull some crazy jutsu..."_

"But Naruto-kun! Why can't we be just like Shino and Ino? They're happy! Do you not want me to be happy?" Hinata sobbed, starting to well up again.

"Oh no, I won't fall for it this time."

"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Hinata shrieked. The band stopped again, and Tayuya glared hard.

"Will you assholes shut up! Hey! I can say ass?"

"I guess so..." Kimimaro shrugged.

"Lets keep going." Jirobo said, though it was getting difficult to outplay Hinata's sobs. Even with the speakers at full volume.

"_In the end, SOMEBODY TOLD ME!"_

"Okay! Okay! Stop crying!" Naruto yelled. "Here, free hug." he said, hugging her. "Happy now?"

"Oh, Naruto, I knew you loved me! Let's get married!"

That was Naruto's cue to leave. He jumped over the balcony, and Tenten followed suit.

"WAIT TENTEN! YOU MUST BECOME YOUTHFUL!" Neji shouted, jumping after her.

"NARUTO! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE LOVE!" Hinata exclaimed, also following.

"Oh my (beep)ing GOD!" Tayuya shrieked. "Stop (honk)ing interrupting us, you (screech)ing (bonk) (squeal) (kapow!) turtle (squish) mother (various sound) ass!"

The four charged out of the drome, leaving a silent crowd. Tayuya panted in front of the mic.

"I am giving you all a warning! We will be interrupted only 3 more times before we kill something! GOT IT?"

Everyone nodded. The Sound Five started up again.

"_We are the Undertakers! Not your average salary makers!"_

Lee burst through the doors

"I HAVE RETURNED! WITH SNACKS INTACT!"

He looked around for a minute. All the people were looking at him with distaste. Not that Lee cared. Only more people to make youthful!

"Does anyone know where my friends have gone?" Lee asked

"Out. The. (Squirt)ing. Door." Tayuya said, teeth clenched.

"Thank you! I must give Tenten her snacks! Fare thee well!"

Lee left the building whistling.

"Anyone else?" Kimimaro asked. "Good."

"_An undertaker is a violent genius. Piss one off and he'll cut off your..."_

The second interruption presented itself in the form is Nara Yoshino. She broke down the door, and stomped up to Shikamaru's dad.

"Did I give you permission to come here?"

Both Shikamaru and his father cowered in their seats.

"Both of you are coming home **now**."

"But Honey..."

"DON'T TALK BACK!"

"Yes ma'am."

"One more time, then I snap. I swear to god, if there is one more goddam interruption..." Tayuya muttered under her breath. The band started up again.

In the audience, Genma whispered to Kurenai.

"Why do you think her hair is pink?"

"Don't know."

"Does this shirt make me look fat?"

"Be quiet."

"Am I sexy or not?"

"..."

"Did you know my butt can tell the future? It's gotten me into trouble more times than one. There was that time with the police, and when the Horned King wanted me to find the Black Cauldron for him...would you like to ask my butt a question?"

"God Genma! That's both disgusting and pointless! And stop asking me all these questions! I came here for a concert, not the Spanish Inquisition!"

Little did Kurenai know, but she'd inevitably doomed the poor person sitting in the front row.(We'll just call him...Mark for now.) When she made the statement, Baki, Mizuki, Ibiki, Aburame Shibi, and the 3rd Hokage's ghost all jumped up in from the side of the stage, wearing red cloaks. Baki stepped forward.

"Noooo one suspects the Spanish Inquisiton!" he said nasally.

"GGRRRRAAAAAHHHHH!" Tayuya yelled, grabbing her mic stand and throwing it at Mark's head. Scratch that. **Through** Mark's head. Poor, poor Mark.

"Be Prepared to face the wrath of the Sound Five, mother (crash)ers!"

"Yeah! No one interrupts my ELECTRIC TAMBOURINE! Solo, jerks!" Jirobo snarled.

"But we have been told by the pope to convert all the Muslims and Jews! Do not question the pope!" Ibiki declared. And the fight was on! The power of Religion vs The Power of Music!

Meanwhile, in other places, Naruto and Tenten were still running.

"Hey, this thing doesn't pinch quite as much now..." Naruto noticed.

"That probably means it's starting to fuse with your skin! We're doomed!"

"Your kidding! Gai never said anything about that!"

"Of course he didn't! He's Gai!"

Naruto and Tenten ran down the street, each praying they could escape their respective tormentors.

------

Chapter 8, done! Wow, that was a ridiculously short time between chapters... I don't really know Genma's character, I just needed someone for Kurenai to talk to. His little butt speech is based off a VG Cats comic. So, don't sue me or anything...personally, this is one of my favorite chapters (chapter 3 still reigns in my mind). Oh yeah, and the song is original, if absolutely horrid.

Please review!


	9. Enter MAXIM

It's chapter nine! Since I'm writing this during my vacation, I'll probably get 1 or 2 chapters done. I did write Welcome to the Jungle in a week. However, don't quote me on this.

Find the other Monty Python reference besides the Inquisition and win a candy bar!

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The Sound Five squared off against the Spanish inquisition. A silence hung over the crowd like an exceptionally rank flatus. Tayuya raised a finger at Ibiki.

"Dance off."

Kidomaru took his cue and put a CD in the player. The Sound Five got into a line. The crowd held their breath collectively. What insane rock solo could defeat the juggernaut that is the Spanish Inquisition?

"Okay folks! Take the lady to your right!" The CD instructed. The Sound Five followed dutifully. Except Sakon. He had to dance with his 'brother'.

"Sound Five special technique! Line Dance of Death!" The five spoke. Mizuki raised an eyebrow. The crowd moaned.

"Swing your partner to the right, do se do, middle of the fight..."

Jirobo swung Kidomaru like a club, soundly connecting with Shibi's head. One down!

"Now spin your partner to the left, come on now, ya gotta be deft..."

Tayuya spun Kimimaro like a top, and he sprouted all his bones, making him a deadly spinning line dancer of death! He crashed into Mizuki, sending him into the audience.

"The Spanish Inquisition will not be defeated that easily! Ibiki, the plug!" Baki shouted. Ibiki dove to the outlet and yanked out the CD player plug. The line dance stopped immediately.

"Damn! The Line dance's one weakness!" Jirobo cried.

"Inquisition special technique! Bible Bashing!" The three members declared, and pulled out Bibles.

"And the lord declared that on that day, they would feast on the lambs, and the fruit bats, and the orangutans, and the breakfast cereals..."

"God, it's worse than the line dancing!" Kurenai exclaimed, covering her ears. Weaker members of the audience started to disintegrate.

30 minutes later...

"...and the watermelons, and various condiments, and the Hi-C, and the bacon. Book of Jabba 8-13." Baki finished, closing his book. The Sound Five lay on the stage, fast asleep.

"We have won, gentlemen! Now to convert them!"

Sakon sat up smiling. He pulled a headphone out of his ear.

"Sorry guys, but I've got Wireless radio on this sucker. And you know what that means? Constant football coverage."

"Blast! One of Gods fatal weaknesses! Sunday football!" The 3rd Hokage's ghost exclaimed. Sakon woke up the other members of the band.

"Thanks Sakon, he almost had us. What's wrong with Ukon?" Jirobo asked, pointing to the tumor on Sakon's head.

"Oh no! His ears are bleeding! He's already lost too much blood!" Sakon wailed.

"You (meep!) You killed one of our members! You'll pay now!" Tayuya shrieked. "Band! Summoning formation!"

The group all bit their thumbs, and formed up into a circle.

"SOUND FIVE SPECIAL SUMMON!" They shouted, slamming their hands into the ground. There was a massive blast of smoke, and the audience strained to see this fantastic five person summon. There was a audible silence...(does that even make sense?) ...then...

"Oh my God! It's Gene Simmons!" Genma shouted.

Indeed, it was Gene Simmons. Standing there in all his KISS glory. The crowd went _nuts_.

"Alright, take down those cloak wearing freaks!" Tayuya ordered. Gene lept forward, landing in front of Ibiki.

"Ha! No rock and roll freak could ever defeat a member of the Span...GAAHHH!" Ibiki screamed as Gene spit fire in his face.

"You!" Baki roared, but Gene's tongue wrapped around his neck and strangled him. Then the rock and roll legend sprouted wings and flew off into the sky to go party with Elvis.

"One left!" Kimimaro cheered, pointing to the 3rd Hokage's ghost.

"Oops." Kidomaru stated. They looked at Jirobo's shriveled husk on the ground. "Guess he couldn't handle the summon..."

"Forget about fatty. We know how to beat ghosts without him." Tayuya said coldly. The remaining members each pulled out a really weird looking backpack with some kind of hose attached to it.

"FIRE!" Sakon yelled, and blue and red lightning arced out of the nozzles. The ghost was trapped!

"Lower him into the box!" Tayuya told, and they did with some difficulty (can't cross the beams, after all) The 3rd Hokage's ghost was finally put to rest. The band panted as the dust settled. Then the crowd went crazy!

"That was the best show EVER!" Genma screamed.

"WOOHOO!" Kurenai agreed.

The remaining members bowed, and left the stage. The power of music had won.

Meanwhile, Tsunade held the ice on her head as she walked back to the office. That Hinata could throw a punch! She had the worst headache ever. She moaned and looked up to see a group of people outside her office holding signs and chanting.

"What do we want?" a woman spoke into a microphone

"CLEAN ENTERTAINMENT!" the group roared

"When do we want it?" she spoke again

"NOW!"

Tsunade walked up to the person on the mic, Nara Yoshino.

"Ah, Hokage-sama, just the person I was looking for." she said.

"Why are you protesting outside my office? And what exactly are you protesting?"

"We are M.A.X.I.M!"

Tsunade blinked twice. "What?"

"M.A.X.I.M. It means Mothers Against XXX In Media! I started it to clean up this town. We're protesting indecent things in the media."

"...you named your decency group after a pornography magazine?" Tsunade asked.

Yoshino looked shocked for a second, then chuckled.

"There isn't a porn magazine named that! Don't be silly!" she laughed. "There isn't, right?"

"I told you mom. You just didn't believe me." Shikamaru sighed, lying on the ground.

"You get off your rear and march young man."

"I'm not a mother. I'm not even a father! I don't have to do it."

"Not a parent _yet_." his mom menaced.

"You can't _make_ me have kids" Shikamaru yawned.

"Like hell I can't. A little beer for the both of you, and a closet, you'll have kids in no time. That's how you came into this world, after all."

"You wouldn't dare." Shikamaru growled, sitting up.

"Now, who would be the mother? Lets see..." Yoshino questioned, pulling out a what looked like a journal. Shikamaru went pale.

"W-where did you get that?" he stuttered.

"Under your mattress. Now, maybe Ino? There is a poem in here...or perhaps Temari? There are a lot of pictures in this..."

"Give that back!" Shikamaru demanded, leaping up to try and grab it.

"Only if you protest."

"Fine! Okay! I'll do it!" Shikamaru gave up, blushing madly and getting back in line

"That's pretty cruel..." Tsunade thought aloud.

"I do what I have to." Yoshino calmly stated. "Now, I have to talk to you about a few things. I've got a list right here..."

Tsunade cursed inwardly. Not a list! Her headache was bad enough as it was...

"Do you know how many indecent things have happened today alone? We've had reports of attempted rape on several accounts, sexual activity in public, kid-napping, plenty of lewd acts...

"Oh my god, shut up." Tsunade thought.

"...and apparently Anko is running around the town naked."

"Again?"

"Yes. Now, with your assistance, Hokage-sama, we can pass a law on this town that severely punishes those who would think of doing such things, or putting them in movies, books and magazines."

Tsunade shook her head and held her temple. Damn that Hinata...

"Look, why don't you mothers just keep your own kids away from bad things in the media? It's really none of your business anyway what other parents subject their children too."

"But Hokage..."

"NARUTO-KUN!" a loud voice interrupted.

"Oh crap." Tsunade said, diving into the bushes for cover. Yoshino raised an eyebrow.

"It's just Hinata. I don't see why you're hiding. Although it is a bit odd for her to be that loud..."

Just then, Naruto and Tenten ran by wearing the jumpsuits. Hinata, Neji, and eventually Lee ran by, chasing them. Gene Simmons flew by, spewing fire. Anko passed by, dragging Kiba and screaming 'the tea kettle is killing the babies!' over and over again. Yoshino, being the sane person she was, couldn't handle all this insanity and her head quite simply exploded. Not popped, exploded. Everywhere. Shikamaru and Shikato came out from where they were hiding, and inspected the corpse. Once they were absolutely 100 percent positive she was dead, they turned to each other, smiling and crying.

"It's over, it's finally over!" Shikato cried, falling to his knees "What a marvelous day!"

"Come on dad, lets go celebrate." Shikamaru sniffed, and the two skipped to the Barbeque to go have a victory feast.

"I hate my job..." Tsunade whined as she clambered back to the office.

Hinata suddenly stopped running, and threw out her hands to grab Neji and Lee.

"Hold on guys."

Neji massaged his throat, "What is it Lady Hinata?"

"Yes, why have you stopped our quest to make the world a more youthful place?" Lee inquired.

"As I see it, we can't catch up to them easily. And since the people we are chasing seem to be working together, why don't we work together? It ought to get me closer to my love than ever before!" Hinata finished, clasping her hands and looking to the stars. "Naruto-kun! I will never leave you!"

"BRILLIANT!" Lee and Neji agreed, crying and hugging. "We shall make Tenten one of the most youthful people on the face of the earth!"

And so the evil (maybe not evil, just horrendously misguided) alliance was formed, and they began work on their first plot.

"I say we capture Naruto first!" Hinata cheered.

"Why don't we capture them both at the same time? That would solve all our problems!" Neji suggested.

Lee sat there with his brows furrowed. Basically it looked like his eyebrows were trying to eat his face. Then, a light bulb appeared over his head, and Lee marveled at this amazing untapped talent of light-bulb making, completely forgetting the idea he just thought of.

"WOW! That was incredible! Master Gai will be so proud of me!"

The other two applauded him, and Lee finally remembered what it was he was thinking of before.

"Tenten likes astrology, right?"

------

Wonder what's gonna happen? What's Lee's amazing idea? Will he ever full implement his incredible light bulb making talents? Just stay tuned!

Yeah, so I was going to make the part with Shikamaru much, much worse, but my morals decided they had enough of my disgusting shenanigans, and erased that part. Also note that Naruto only appeared once throughout the whole chapter, and didn't even say anything. Don't worry, He'll be back in full swing in the next chapter. I'm also very proud that I managed a Ghostbusters reference and a KISS reference.

See you (hopefully) soon!

P.S. Shikato is Shikamaru's dad. I think.

P.P.S. I have nothing against Christians or church. I just find sermons fantastically boring

P.P.P.S A flatus is a fart. That's it.


	10. Marvelous Mad Madame Lee

Chapter 10, woot! Also I've gotten 100 reviews on this sucker! It puts all my other fics to shame! Congrats Hinata and Naruto! I would say everyone's names, but that would take a really long time, and I doubt that you came here to read names.

Have fun!

------

Kakashi looked up from his book to look at his little crew. For some strange reason, he, Sakura, and Gai decided to spend the rest of the afternoon together, and they were currently sitting at an ice cream parlor enjoying their favorite flavors. Except Kakashi. He was just reading.

"Hallelujah!" Gai suddenly cried, and ran out into the street. Kakashi raised a single silver eyebrow.

"I am very glad to see you are enjoying the springtime of your youth Tenten!" Gai smiled.

Tenten glared at him. "Screw you. Screw you to _hell_."

"I presume the date did not go well, Naruto?" Kakashi smirked.

"Well, duh. She tried to rape me again."

"Where are they now?" Sakura wondered, peering down the street.

"Beats me. I'm just glad they decided to stop. And you!" Naruto declared, pointing at Gai. "You never told me these things fuse with your skin!"

"HAHAHAHA!" Gai laughed. "It's part of my genius design. Remember, being or feeling naked is all part of being youthful!"

"Sicko." Sakura and Kakashi muttered.

"Where'd Iruka go? Wasn't he with you guys?" Naruto asked.

"He was killed in an unfortunate Scrabble accident on the way here." Kakashi informed them. This raised more questions than answers, but the group was interrupted by Neji riding by on a horse, ringing a bell and loudly shouting,

"HEAR YE HEAR YE! A NEW FORTUNE TELLING SHOP HAS OPENED ON 32ND STREET! COME AND GET YOUR FORTUNE! FREE RAMEN INCLUDED IN EVERY TELLING!"

Tenten's eye's went all sparkly and she clasped her hands.

"Fortune telling? That's my favorite hobby!"

"Err..." Sakura began, but was interrupted by Naruto.

"Ramen! Lets go!" and he and Tenten took off towards 32nd street.

"Wow. I'm offended that one of my students could fall for such a blatant trap..." Kakashi mused, shaking his head.

"RUN TENTEN! IT IS YOUTHFUL!" Gai screamed.

"This is all part of one of your insidious schemes, isn't it?" Sakura asked Gai.

"Hmm? What would ever give you the impression that a handsome devil like me would be capable of something insidious?" Gai said, striking the nice guy pose.

"Gai, for the millionth time, you aren't handsome. I've seen packed lunches that are more handsome than you. I've seen better looking construction workers. You are not handsome." Kakashi bitterly spat. Gai's eyes welled up.

"Eternal rival...(sniff) why would you say such hurtful things?" Gai sniffled.

The little quarrel was interrupted by a somewhat feminine sounding voice.

"Hey guys! What's going on?"

Sakura, Kakashi and a teary eyed Gai all turned to the interrupter and screamed like little girls.

Meanwhile, on 32nd street, Tenten and Naruto stood outside a shoddily set up tent. It was a vibrant pink, and foul odors drifted out from the door. The sign outside read:

Mad Madame Lee's Fortune Telling Service. See the Future! Visit the Past! Get some Ramen too!

"Oh boy!" Tenten squealed.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea..." Naruto thought, but a sudden draft of ramen changed his mind. The two went into the building.

The perfume was so thick one could hardly see. The fact that it was poorly lit didn't help either.

"Come in children, and have a seat."

The two took their seats, and squinted to see who was across the table.

"Is that...oh my god, it's Lee." Tenten said, putting her face in her hand.

Lee was sitting across the table, wearing a large purple dress thing, and an equally large purple turban. He had gaudy rings all over his fingers. Apparently, he'd soaked himself in perfumes. But that wasn't the wort part. He'd gone to great lengths to buy out every tube of lipstick and mascara in town, and it seemed that he was currently wearing every last bit of it.

"Lee,...ugh... why?" Naruto asked.

"Who is Lee? I am Madame Lee! I will predict your future now..." he spoke in his version of an elderly woman's voice. Lee cupped his hands around the 'crystal ball' which was actually Hinata's fish bowl. The fish inside looked very disturbed.

"Neji, the lights!" Lee whispered.

The lights flickered on and off, and Neji made some ghostly ethereal sounds. "OOOOoooo!"

"This is stupid..." Naruto muttered. Tenten just held her head in her hands in shame.

"Now, ghost of Uzumaki Naruto's future! Come forth!" Lee demanded, raising his ring laden hands to the sky. Neji shook a cookie sheet outside to create a thunder effect.

"Neji, cut it out." Tenten snapped. Neji froze, and wondered "How did she know I was here?"

Hinata entered, covered head to toe in flour. She held a bowl of ramen in her hands.

"Naruto-kun, I am your future wife! Come share this ramen with me in the fields of happiness and light!"

"Okay guys, knock it off. Naruto may be an idiot, but he isn't that stupid. Right Naruto?" Tenten asked, but saw Naruto's seat empty. He was shuffling his way towards Hinata, hypnotized by the scent of fresh ramen.

"Oi vey...Naruto! Snap out of it!" Tenten shouted, grabbing Naruto's arm and attempting to drag him away. He was pretty much fully under the ramen's spell. The evil alliance's plan was about to succeed...

But, elsewhere...

"The tea kettle is killing the chil...snap!" Anko cried, abruptly stopping. Kiba ran straight into her, falling to the ground.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Get in the bushes!' Anko instructed, and pulled him in along with her. Kiba yelped as branches scratched his back.

"What now?"

"Shh!" Anko silenced him. She pointed her finger.

"See it?"

"...see what?"

"What I'm pointing at!"

"Yes."

"Aren't you scared?"

"Of a telephone pole? No."

"What are you talking about? That's the dreaded nine-tailed fox demon!"

"...nooo, that's a telephone pole."

"Obviously you are too weak to see past it's Genjutsu. Don't worry, I can handle it by myself." Anko declared, and drew a kunai from god knows where.

"You're not going to..."

"CHAAAAARGE!"

Kiba sighed as she rushed out of the bushes. Anko landed a ferocious kick on the poor pole, sending it toppling to the ground. And you know what downed telephone poles mean...

"At last! The beast is vanqui...(ZZZZZAAAAPPPPP!) EEEEYYYOOWWW!"

"Oh my god!" Kiba cried, coming out of the bushes.

"No dog boy! Stay (ZZZAAAPPP!) Back! It's tails still have power!"

"Anko, those are LIVE WIRES! You're gonna get killed!"

And so Anko started fighting the jumping, hissing fizzing wires to the (very likely) death, while Kiba vainly attempted to stop her. The downed pole meant that about half of Konoha just lost power, and that included the tent. Chaos erupted as the lights went out.

"Hey! Neji, what happened to the lights?"

'Where's my ramen!"

"Whose hand is that?"

"Woof!"

"Woof? Who just woofed?"

"Oh Naruto-kun!"

Tenten and Naruto toppled out into the dappled sunlight, and starting running for it.

"Hey, hold on! They're getting away! Tenten! Come back! Be youthful with us!" Lee cried, attempting to get out of the dress.

"TENTEN! STOP! ...wait a second, isn't running youthful?" Neji paused.

Lee thought about it for a moment. "Why, yes, it is. This is a quandary...we can't exactly stop her from running if we want her to be youthful..."

Hinata didn't have anything youthful to worry or think about, and pursued Naruto at top speed.

"NARUTO-KUN!"

"Oh my god! Just give up!" Naruto yelled.

"Never!" Hinata yelled back. "You will love me!"

--------

He, that's it. I know it was kinda short, but still so much fun. See you in chapter 11! Oh, and wait till you see who Kakashi, Sakura and Gai have run into.


	11. Steal my icicles, will you Bill Clinton?

Hello all! It's chapter 11! Dun dada dun! Have fun I guess...

Do not be fooled by the deceptive nature of the title. Bill Clinton has little or nothing to do with this fic.

--

"Hi guys!" Sasuke said, walking up to Gai and Sakura. He looked at Kakashi crying in the corner. "What's wrong with him?"

"I lost my cool!" Kakashi wailed. "You made me scream like a little girl!"

"S-Sasuke?" Sakura asked. The reason the three had screamed like little girls was that Sasuke was wearing make up, had his hair curled, was wearing a skirt, and was also wearing, over his skin...

"Oh my god." Sakura gasped, inspecting the people suit.

"Like it? It took me a while to finish it. Oh, and it's Serena now." Serena stated, spinning around so they could see the whole suit

"But Sasuk...err, Serena, why?" Kakashi asked.

"I wasn't comfortable with the skin I was in, so I took other peoples. They don't need it now though. I have always felt trapped in a mans body, and I'm beginning to remedy that."

"But Sasuke, you still have a...you know...right?" Sakura asked, glancing down at the mentioned area.

"Yeah, it's still there." Serena stated, almost sounding depressed.

Sakura let out a sigh of relief. Kakashi just gaped, and after a few minutes, Gai finally took action.

"Sasuke, trying to be the other sex isn't youthful at all. In fact, it's downright creepy. TIME FOR MAITO GAI'S SPECIAL ELDERLY EXORCISM TECHNIQUE!"

Gai grabbed 'Serena' by the shoulders and viciously began slapping 'her'.

"THE POWER OF YOUTH COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF YOUTH COMPELS YOU!"

"Oh my god! Sasuke!" Sakura shrieked.

"Gai, cut it out." Kakashi said, trying to regain his cool.

"OW! Hey stop! Ow! Can't you let me express who I am? Ow!"

Meanwhile, Naruto and Tenten were still running. They came to a fence, and lept it swiftly. Unfortunately for them, it was not a place they really wanted to be.

"Ow!" Naruto cried upon landing. He hopped up and down for a minute, and pulled the offending object out of his foot.

"Glass?" Tenten wondered. The sudden crash of Hinata running into the fence shocked them into action, and they ran deeper into the complex.

Hinata hopped the fence and glared into the maze of metal and wires that the two had foolishly dashed into. She also glanced at the sign. Training Ground 666: Land of fire, barbed wire and broken glass. She decided to go around.

"Well that was sure exciting!" Anko laughed, slapping Kiba on the back. They walked down main street, covered in burn marks. Anko was still quite naked, and Kiba was still only wearing boxer shorts.

"You are absolutely out of your mind, you know that?" Kiba glared.

"I am absolutely hungry, that's what I am. C'mon, lets get a bite to eat."

Anko dragged Kiba into a shoe store, and plopped him down on a seat.

"Oh boy, it's a buffet!" she said, and grabbed a knee high boot.

"Anko, that's a..."

Anko took a large bite out of the poor boot. She chewed for a few seconds, and cringed.

"Aw, this tastes terrible! Good lord! Boy, could you get the manager?"

Kiba decided telling her the truth was too much trouble, and grabbed the store owner.

"Sir, I'd like to make a complaint. This grinder is awful!" Anko munched.

"Ma'am, you're eating a boot." the owner informed her.

"That's what it tastes like! Yuck...oh well, might as well finish it! Like mother said, waste not want not! Here dog boy, you eat up too!"

Anko cheerily snatched a sandal, and before Kiba could object, shoved it in his mouth. Kiba groaned and turned to look outside. Standing outside were his mother and sister, mouths agape at the scene. Kiba's eyes went wide as his mother stormed in the store.

"Inuzuka Eugene Kiba! What do you think you are doing! Get that thing out of your mouth! I thought you had gotten over your shoe chewing habit!"

Kiba spat out the sandal and tried to explain himself.

"Mom, it's not what it looks like! Ya see, there was a whole lot of stuff today..."

"Ah, you must be dog boys mother!" Anko smiled, standing up and vigorously shaking Kiba's moms hand.

"Where's Akamaru?" Hana asked.

"And his lovely sister too! It's a pleasure." Anko bowed.

"What are you doing running around town in your drawers with this naked harlot?" Kiba's mom screeched. "You are coming home right this minute!"

"Wait, Mom!" Kiba whined. "I can explain!"

"Steal my icicles, will you Bill Clinton?" Anko growled. Everyone cocked an eyebrow in confusion.

"Anko, what are you..." Kiba began.

Anko smashed a stool over Kiba's moms back.

"YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY SON FROM ME!" Anko yelled, beating the inuzuka over the head.

"ANKO!" Kiba shouted. "I'M NOT YOUR SON!"

Hana tried to drag her mother away, while Kiba attempted to restrict Anko. Shizune was looking for some new sandals when she spotted the fray.

"The hell?" she wondered, and ran over to help out. With both Shizune and Kiba restraining Anko, Hana managed to get Ms. Inuzuka was out the door and out of danger. Once the threat to her 'son' was gone, Anko resumed eating her boot.

"Why would you do that?" Kiba and Shizune panted.

"Do what?" Anko asked. "Bleh, that's enough of this restaurant. Come dog boy and...erm...what's your name?"

Tonton popped over Shizune's shoulder and squealed.

"Pig girl! That will be your name henceforth! Come!" and Anko dragged the two out of the shoe store and into town.

At the gates of Konoha, Deidara, Sasori, and Zetsu walked in.

"So what does the boss want us to do again?" Sasori asked, shuffling along.

"Get his groceries. The base is running low." Zetsu answered.

Deidara looked around happily. New things were so cool! He'd never been in Konoha before. And he'd never been...

"Bowling! Lets go bowling Sasori-san!" Deidara jumped up and down, pointing to the bowling alley.

"I don't think that's such a good idea..." Sasori said, but was cut off by Zetsu.

"I think it's a fine idea. Celery and eggs can wait."

So Sasori gave up, and the three deadly ninja went to enjoy a game of candlepin bowling.

Meanwhile (there is a lot of scene skipping, isn't there?) Naruto and Tenten emerged from the ravages of training ground 666. The fire and barbed wire had removed the suits almost entirely, except for a few small pieces here and there. The two looked terrible. And the fact that they were both on the verge of indecency didn't help.

"Well **that** sucked." Naruto said, ripping off a small piece of suit on his arm. "Last time I run into anyplace without reading the damn sign."

Tenten sank to the ground and started to cry.

"Geez, don't cry Tenten!"

"But Naruto, look at what we've got! We'll never escape those guys! It's all just a big waste of time! And I still don't know my last name!"

"Hey, hey, it's okay! At least the suits are gone! And I'm sure we'll find your last name some day. I mean, Masashi Kishimoto can't ignore giving you a backround story forever, can he?"

"Thanks Naruto." Tenten sniffled, and gave him a hug. Unfortunately, Hinata rounded the corner at that exact moment. Upon seeing a nearly nude Tenten hugging her future husband, something in Hinata's already fragile brain snapped. She snuck up behind her, placed a hand on Tenten's head and chin, and twisted.

(Krik)

Tenten's body fell to the ground. Naruto stared in horror.

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata smiled, latching onto him.

"Y-you just killed her!"

"She doesn't mean anything to us." Hinata sighed, nuzzling her dream boy.

"You're a psycho!"

"Oh don't tease me, sweetie. Come on now, it's time for a romantic dinner!" she stated and dragged a shocked Naruto to go grab a bite to eat. Lee and Neji rounded the corner.

"There she is!" Lee pointed, and the two ran over.

"YOUTHFUL TENTEN! Neji and I would like to apologize for our recent actions. We realized forcing ourselves upon you was un-youthful." Lee mourned

"So Lee and I have decided to let you decide where we go to do youthful things!" Neji chirped.

"WHERE DO YOU WISH TO GO!" The two shouted in unison, eager grins plastered on their faces.

Tenten stirred and coughed up some blood.

"H-hospital..." she croaked.

"Silly Tenten! Hospitals are for old people!' Lee laughed. Then the rambunctious two dragged Tenten along. "I hear there's a carnival in town!"

"H-hospital..."

--

That's it for chapter 11! Yes, the suits are gone. Except Neji's. And yes, Deidara, Sasori and Zetsu gain some relevance later in the story. On a side note, I don't know their characters that well, but I do know Deidara has a weird way of talking. I decided it was too troublesome and left it out.

Also, this may be the last chapter for a little while. The coming weeks will be very busy, so I may not have time to work on this. Thanks for reading, and please review!

P.S. Kiba's middle name is Eugene. It's the truth I tell ya!

P.P.S. Yes, the fact that Sasuke completed his people coat cements the fact that Konohamaru and his friends are dead. Skinned, and dead. Lets have a moment of silence.


	12. The very cool quest of Kakashi

Chapter 12!

Over 150 reviews! Hoorah! You guys all rock, seriously. If it weren't for you, this fic would have only been 4 chapters long. Thanks all.

This chapter was going to be slightly different, but after reading Darksaber Naco's comment on how Sakura was getting off lite, I just couldn't let that slide. So yes, Sakura gets bitten by the insanity bug in this chappie.

On to battle!

-------

The group of four walked down the street. Everyone had eventually convinced Sasuke to call himself Sasuke and re-straighten his hair, but he absolutely refused to take off the skirt or skins. Kakashi sighed.

"I can't believe I lost my cool. It took me years to build up a rep, and then you go and ruin it. I hate you Sasuke."

"Now now eternal rival, perhaps we can be of assistance! We'll help you get your cool back!" Gai said, striking the nice guy pose.

"Really? You guys would do that for me?"

Sakura nodded, and Sasuke shrugged. Nothing better to do.

"Okay! Step one." Sakura said.

Later...

Izumo and Kotetsu were enjoying some sodas, when they heard some jingling. Curious, they turned around to see Kakashi.

"Yo yo my homies, what is up in da house?"

Kakashi was wearing a loose tank top, and his pants were down around his knees. He was wearing about 50 pounds of gold necklaces.

"Kakashi, what in gods name are you doing?" Kotetsu asked.

"I'm just chillin wit da playas in Konoha."

"Kakashi, stop it. I thought you were cool." Izumo huffed.

"But isn't this cool? I thought this was all the rage with kids these days."

"No, only cracked up idiots act that way. Believe me, it's not cool."

"But I've got a giant watch necklace..."

"Just go."

Kakashi left in shame. Well, not too much shame. Cool people don't show shame.

"How did it go?" Sakura asked.

"You're a stupid idiot." Kakashi muttered, and threw all the necklaces at Sakura, almost crushing her.

"IT'S TIME FOR GAI'S SPECIAL COOLNESS TECHNIQUE!" Gai shouted.

Later...

Kakashi stood on the platform, looking at the thin rope swaying in front of him. Below this rope was a vat of bubbling green acid.

"Gai, this isn't cool, it's just dangerous."

"Of course it's cool!" Gai whined, shoving the unicycle into Kakashi's hands. "I respect any man who can cross a vat of acid on a unicycle."

Kakashi sighed again and hopped on the unicycle. He slowly started his way across.

"Just put your hands in your pockets! That will look cool!' Sakura shouted, leaning over the railing. Sasuke was standing just behind her. He began to think...

"_You know, I really don't like Sakura. She has pink hair. I wish I had pink hair. Stupid pink hair hogging witch. And her forehead, it's just so...big...if I wrote something on it, people would be like 'hey, there's something on that girls forehead. Better go read it.' yeah, that's what they'd say. And she's so annoying! She's always like 'Sasuke! Sasuke!' She's almost as bad as that ino chick. Although she hasn't bothered me lately. I wonder what happened to her? Boy, this skirt gives a good breeze 'round the junk. Oh yeah, back to Sakura. She's so weak! She couldn't even handle herself in the Forest of Death! Pansy. I'm so much better than she is. Sakura is a blemish on this good earth. In fact..._

"I'm just gonna put an end to this." Sasuke said.

"Did you say something Sasuke?" Sakura began.

Sasuke then pushed her into the vat of acid. (Ploosh!)

"DO NOT WORRY SAKURA! I SHALL RESCUE YOU WITH THE POWER OF THE MAITO BLOODLINE LIMIT!" Gai shouted.

"You have a bloodline trait?" Sasuke wondered.

"Why yes, I do! It all goes back to my great great grandfather, Ponce de le Maito ..."

FLASHBACK! With narration by Gai.

A proud figure emerges from the jungle growth. He looks just like Gai, except with a small moustache and a pith helmet.

"Ponce was an explorer. He was alive back in the days when men were men..."

Ponce punches a snake in the face, shouting WAAACHOOOO!

"Women were women..."

An attractive woman emerges from the trees, only to be snatched away from someone who looks suspiciously like Kakashi.

"And deadly funnel web spiders were still deadly."

Bruce pulls a nasty looking spider out of his boot, and starts turning a pale shade of olive.

"In his haste to find a nearby pharmaceutical facility, Ponce fell into a pond."

Ponce stumbles into a pond, getting water everywhere.

"It turned out that the pond was the legendary fountain of youth! He drank some, and it gave his blood the power of youth!"

"So that cured him of the spider's poison?" Sasuke asked

"No, that still got him. He just had sex with a nurse at the hospital before he died."

"Oh."

"She wasn't too happy when she found out she was pregnant."

"I see."

Meanwhile, Sakura is still floundering in the acid.

"So what exactly does your limit do?"

"It gives me the power of youth! I cannot perish of old age."

"So why aren't there more Maito's running around?"

'Well, my family isn't exactly popular. Most of us have been beaten to death by angry mobs."

"Ouch. I know how it feels Gai."

"WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME?" Sakura gasped.

"Oops, sorry." Gai said, realizing he'd forgotten all about her in his very youthful flashback.

Gai pulled Sakura out of the acid. Her hair had turned a bright green color, and her skin was now chalk white. But the worst part was her face. Some chemical in the acid had turned her mouth into a constant, hideous smile.

"Oh god!" Gai proclaimed. Sasuke chuckled.

"What, what's wrong?" Sakura asked. Sasuke handed her his personal mirror. Sakura gazed at herself for a moment, then smashed the mirror on the ground.

"Hey!" Sasuke said.

Sakura pulled a kunai out of her bag. She laughed maniacally, and ran into the center of town, laughing her head off.

On the other side of the vat, Kakashi was very proud of himself. He'd gotten his cool back! He glanced over to the other side to see Sasuke and Gai watching Sakura instead of him.

"What are you doing!" he yelled, then kicked himself. Yelling was not cool! Now he had to start all over again. Damn Sakura.

'Here we are, Naruto-kun!" Hinata smiled, dragging Naruto into the restaurant. Naruto read the sign.

"L'ane du Porc?" Naruto wondered.

"It's the best French restaurant in town!" Hinata squealed, and ran up to the waiter.

"A romantic dinner for two, please." she ordered. The waiter quickly got the table set up outside. The evening was getting dark, and candles were lit for the effect. Naruto had to admit, it did look nice. Hinata was eyeing at him from across the table. Naruto tried to ignore her and read his menu. But, his train of meaty thoughts kept being interrupted by Shino serenading Ino just behind him.

"Oh Naruto, isn't this romantic?" Hinata asked, batting her eyelashes.

"Err, sure. Do you know what Foie Gras is? Sounds like the fake grass you put in Easter baskets. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's what it is! Damn French, with their freaky grass eating culture."

"Will you sing for me Naruto?" Hinata asked.

"Look, I'm not like Shino. I'm a horrible singer! Hey, wait a minute..."

Naruto turned to Shino, who was down on one knee and singing Angel of Music.

"When did you get so good at singing?"

"My father makes me take lessons."

"Bummer."

Shino adjusted his glasses. "I actually enjoy it, thank you. It helped me win the heart of my lady fair..."

"Oh Shino you charmer you." Ino smiled. "It's going to be so much fun when we tie the knot."

Hinata, who was getting angry about being ignored, perked up.

"You two are getting married?"

"Yep." they both pipped.

Hinata turned to Naruto, clasping her hands and her eyes wide.

"Lets get married Naruto-kun!"

"Hinata, for the millionth time, I don't wanna get married! I don't really want to have sex with you either!"

"Come to me Naruto!" Hinata shouted, and started viciously attacking Naruto with her tongue. Naruto writhed on the ground, trying to get this menace off him.

"Why don't you two get married right after ours? I'm sure the priest wouldn't mind." Ino suggested. Hinata popped up for a moment.

"Okay then! When is it?"

"Tomorrow at ten. See you there!" Shino stated, and saw his fiancee to the door. Hinata resumed her savage assault.

"NOT THE PANTS!"

Kakashi sat in a clearing, and sighed. He could never get his cool back now...

"It's just so hopeless..." he mused.

Just then, the heavens opened up, and three ghosts came down from the sky. Kakashi was mildly shocked. The first apparition approached him.

"Hey Kakashi. We've come to help you get your cool back."

Kakashi put his hand on his chin, and thought.

"I sorta remember you...you were that guy on the bridge...started with a z...Zack? I wanna say Zack. It's Zack isn't it?"

"I'm Zabuza you ninny!" the Zabuza ghost spat.

"Oh yeah. So why are you here?"

"I just wanted to say, you can get your cool back Kakashi! If you weren't cool in the first place, you could have never beaten me! Honestly, I've got a seatbelt strapped around my head! How awesome is that? So don't give up Kakashi. I believe, and so should you."

"That was quite the speech." Kakashi yawned. He turned to the second ghost.

"So what do you want?"

Haku's ghost just shrugged.

"I just felt like giving you a bad conscious. I was just a kid when you killed me. I had my whole life ahead of me. I could have been a doctor, or a lawyer, or presisdent..."

"Okay, I get it. Sorry." Kakashi said, shooing away the pesky spirit. He turned to the last hooded figure. "Let me guess, the ghost of Christmas future?"

The figure glided forward and removed the hood.

"Whoopi Goldberg!" Kakashi said, surprised.

"That's right, and here to help you get your cool back, **_again_**!"

"But your not dead!"

"That's what you think."

"But I just saw you on Hollywood Squares!" Kakashi said, bewildered.

"Naw, that's just my animated corpse. Tom Bergeron is actually a voodoo shaman. But enough of that, it's time for a coolness training montage!"

Feel free to hum Eye of the Tiger while reading this part

A montage of Kakashi doing cool things, like putting his hands in his pockets, loitering under No Loitering signs, reading Icha Icha Paradise, using the sharingan to hypnotize chicks and sleep with them, and kicking so much ass in fights.

'Thanks Whoopi! I've got my cool back, and it's all thinks to you."

"Please, call me Whoop. Bye bye!"

"I'll never forget you!" Kakashi sniffled as Whoopi ascended to the sky.

"Now I better go find out what happened to the others..."

--

Yes! Done in record time. I don't know if that's the right way to spell Tom Bergeron's name, and I'm too lazy to check. Yes, Sakura has become the Joker. How silly! Thanks for reading, and please review!

P.S. If you wish to know what L'ane du porc means, go to Babelfish. It will be quite enlightening.

P.P.S. I have nothing against the French. They are actually quite cool.


	13. Now with less Fat!

Chapter 13!

First though, I really apologize for the lack of updates. I've been busy as of late, and then my editor went to Florida! But now she's back, and it's done. Very, very sorry. This chapter is pretty long though, so I hope that makes up for it.

Also, I don't know if Zetsu has double personalities or not, but I gave him some anyway...Muhaha...and I don't know if I spelled Ino's dad's name correctly or not.

Read on!

--

Deidara shuffled across to the little arrows and rolled. It was agonizingly slow.

"I HIT A PIN!" He shouted happily, hugging Sasori.

"I don't hug. Neither should you." Sasori muttered coldly.

Then three guys entered the bowling alley. It was Shikaku, Inoishi, and Chouza. They readied their bowling gear when they realized that there were three novices on their favorite lane.

"Hey, that's our lane! Get off." Inoishi demanded.

"We don't listen to blonde haired losers." "Blondies are n00b's" Zetsu's double personalities snapped. Deidara looked hurt.

'But Zetsu...I'm blonde..."

"And therefore a loser." "Effin n00b"

Deidara started to cry.

"I hate you!" he wailed, and ran to the nearest door, walked through it, and slammed it shut. The five stared.

"I hope he realizes that's the shoe closet." Shikaku muttered, holding his head.

There was a minute of silence, then three quiet knocks.

"Sasori? I locked myself in...could you let me out?"

Sasori sighed and shuffled over, and Deidara fell out in a heap of smelly old shoes. The other three laughed at the silly looking Akatsuki member.

"What a moron!" Chouza laughed, his many chins wobbling like weebles.

"Hey, that's enough." Sasori said. "He may be an idiot, but he's our idiot."

The three just kept on laughing. Zetsu finally stepped forward.

"We challenge you three to a bowling match. Whoever loses, leaves the bowling alley for good." "Yes, leaves for good.And gets eaten." The black half added.

The other three consulted for a moment.

"Agreed. Except for that eating thing."

Zetsu looked dissapointed. At least his black half.

"Now, we must know each other's names before we can properly begin!" Inoishi stated. "I'm Inoishi."

"Shikaku."

"Chouza" chouza said, while gulping down a liter of coke.

"I'm Deidara!"

"I'm Sasori of the red sands."

"I'm Zetsu. I eat people." "Yep, we eats people."

Everyone stared for a moment, then Deidara laughed and slapped Zetsu on the back.

"Oh Zetsu, you're so funny!"

Zetsu then bit Deidara's hand.

"BOWL ON!"

Sasori was up first. He shuffled to the point, and rolled the ball. It curved slightly to the left, and managed to hit three pins. Sasori puffed up proudly.

"Beat that!"

Shikaku sighed, walked up, and bowled a strike. Sasori's multiple mouths dropped.

"Beat that. Oh wait, you can't." Shikaku said, and took his seat.

"Don't worry Sasori, I can do that easy!" Deidara quipped, and grabbed a ball.

"This will end badly." Zetsu dryly commented.

And indeed it did. Three people were hospitalized, and a very nice snack bar was ruined.

"I didn't think it would bounce like that..." Deidara whined.

Inoishi took the stand, and rolled an eight. His team gave high fives.

Zetsu got up, and managed to get a five. He started to yell at himself.

"What are you doing? We're trying to get the pins in this lane you idiot!" His white half spit.

"I don't like this lane. And since when could you talk back to me? Black half FTW!"

So half of Zetsu's face was trying to eat him, and his other half was struggling to keep the black under control. After stepping around the writhing zetsu, Chouza went, and got a six.

So the game went on like this, for the next 4 hours. Team Akatsuki was sucking, and sucking hard.

Meanwhile, in another section of Konoha, Naruto and Hinata walked through the carnival after finishing their dinner.

"Naruto-kun, will you buy me a cotton candy?"

"Um...okay..."

"NARUTO! Lets get some fried oysters!"

"Uh..."

"Ooh, Naruto! Look at this! Can I buy it?"

Naruto stared at his rapidly emptying wallet. This carnival was raping his money, and fast. Oh well, better than getting raped himself.

"Oh my god! Naruto look!" Hinata pointed. It was a diamond necklace, with a hefty price tag. Naruto felt something warm trickle down the side of his leg. Must have been his wallet wetting itself in pure terror.

"Please buy it for me! Please!" Hinata begged. She sidled up to Naruto, "I'll give you something in exchange..." she nudged, giving him the 'look'.

"Hinata, I can't afford that!"

"How about if I give you my gift first?" hinata asked, glancing at Naruto's pants.

"Hey, what are you..."

"Naruto-kun! Lets go on that ride!" Hinata cried, suddenly distracted. Naruto looked to see a sign for the ride, and it said Tunnel of ...the rest was blocked out by a balloon peddler.

As they walked towards it, Naruto silently prayed in his mind.

"Please be the tunnel of ramen, please be the tunnel of ramen, please be the...damn."

It was the dreaded Tunnel of Love.

"WHEEEEEEEEE!" Lee and Neji shouted as the ferris wheel rounded the top of the arc. Tenten sat between them, neck at the wrong angle. She coughed up more blood. Lee shook his head disapprovingly.

"Tenten, coughing up blood is not very youthful."

"Lee...I need a doctor..."

"Pish Posh Tenten!" Neji smiled, slapping her on the back. Tenten reeled forward and tossed blood all over a small child.

Once the ride was over, Neji and Lee dragged Tenten along again, with a balloon tied to her wrist. Tsunade spotted the incident.

"Oh for pete's sake, what are you doing to her?"

"WE ARE MAKING HER YOUTHFUL!" Lee shouted, doing the nice guy pose. Tsunade's ears rung for a second.

"Why is her neck broken?"

"Her neck is broken?" Neji wondered, looking at Tenten. " I suppose her head is a little off kilter..."

Tsunade sighed at the idiocy and fixed Tenten up nice and proper.

"Thanks Lady Tsunade..." Tenten sighed, rubbing her neck.

"STEP RIGHT UP! COME ON LADIES, DON'T BE SHY!" A familiar toad hermit's voice sounded.

"What's he up to?" Tsunade moaned.

Jiraiya sat behind a desk, yelling at the top of his lungs. He was wearing a Straw hat and a pinstripe suit. He glanced at his marvelous set up. The kiddy pool was just the right height, and the water was crisp and clean. The apples bobbed lazily, just like there weren't roofies secretly injected in all of them. The cameras were in all the right places too. He had butt shots, leg shots, and cleavage shots. He dabbed his nose bleed with his personal hanky. This would go well.

"Jiraiya, what in the name of decency are you doing?" Tsunade demanded. Jiraiya froze.

"Hi Tsunade! Just sponsoring my own innocent game of bobbing for apples. Nothing perverted here. Yep, perfectly innocent."

Tsunade glared for a moment, and leaned over to grab an apple. Jiraiya's eyes darted to the T.V he had under the desk that showed the images on all the cameras.

"Ohhhhh..." He smiled. Tsunade stopped, and then kept going.

"That's right, lean over, you know you want that roofies laced apple, don't you, you dirty girl? Keep leaning..."

"Jiraiya, I'm standing 3 feet behind you."

"Oh yeah..." Jiraiya paused, readjusting his pants. He then stuffed an apple into Tsunade's mouth, and ran off chuckling in a very Curly-esque manner

"Woowoowoowoowoowoo!"

"YOU ASSHOLE!"

The poorly painted swan clicked along the track. Naruto winced at the gaudy cherubs and plastic hearts dangling everywhere. The person who built this ride either had no sense of romantic stimulation or just plain hated people. Naruto was going with the second theory.

"Oh Naruto...isn't this romantic?"

"No."

Hinata ignored his relpy and inched closer. Naruto needed advice, and he needed it now. But who? Then, it hit him.

"Hinata, play with these keys for a minute." Naruto said, jingling his keys. Hinata began batting them around. Our blonde hero took this opportunity to retreat into his psyche to meet a very foxy friend...

"Oi! Demon Fox!"

There was a low grumbling, and the large orange eye appeared behind the cage.

"**WHAT?"**

"I need some advice on women."

"**...WHAT?"**

"You heard me."

"**THIS IS STUPID, I"M GOING BACK TO SLEEP..."**

"Wait! Remember, you're in my body. So if I get raped, you're going down with me."

"**GOOD POINT. FINE, I'LL HELP. SO WHAT DOES SHE WANT?"**

"To have copious amounts of sex with me."

"**HAS SHE DONE THIS BEFORE?"**

"Nope."

"**HMMM...WELL, I'M ALL FOR IT."**

"What!" Naruto yelled.

"**HEY PAL, I'VE BEEN STUCK IN HERE FOR OVER TWELVE GODDAM YEARS. I CAN GET VERY LONELY IN HERE. I'VE GOT WANTS AND DESIRES TOO."**

"Wait, that doesn't mean you've been doing what I think you've been doing, does it?"

The Demon Fox grinned. **"MAYBE."**

"That's disgusting! You can't do that in my body!"

"**HAHAHA! HEY, I THINK SHE'S DOING SOMETHING TO YOUR EAR."**

"Oh crap. Well, thanks for nothing, stupid fox."

"**SEE YOU AROUND, PUNK."**

Naruto snapped back to reality to find Hinata licking his ear.

"Stop that!" Naruto yelled, yanking himself away.

"You looked out of it, so I wanted to bring you back! Besides, the ride is over. Come on! Let's get back to my house."

Naruto tried to make a bolt for it, but Hinata grabbed him by the ear and dragged him home, whistling a merry tune while Naruto wept.

Meanwhile, Chouza lay in the stretcher, holding his sides.

"I can't believe you busted a rib." Shikaku sighed.

"Who knew pizza grease was so slippery?" Deidara said as the ambulance took Chouza away. Kisame wheeled Itachi up in a wheel chair.

"Kisame-sama!" Deidara waved.

"Hey. What are you guys doing?" Kisame asked, giving the crew some weird looks.

"It's a bowling competition." "And the loser gets eaten"

"...Zetsu...can you just not talk for a while?"

"Oh no! What happened to Itachi-san?" Deidara asked, clearly worried.

"He was beaten up by..."

"Kisame, if you say so much as one more word, I will strap you down to a table, rip off all your clothing, tear off both testicles, pull out your eyes, then put your testicles in your eyesockets." Itachi said quickly and menacingly. Kisame looked terrified.

"Itachi, you do know you're still on fire, right?" Sasori asked.

"Shut up."

"Hey." Shikaku called. "It's your last roll."

Deidara clapped his hands and grabbed a ball. He was about to send it flying when Sasori grabbed his shoulder.

"Hold on there. Now think Deidara. I know it might hurt, but use that brain of yours. Since fatty fell, we have a chance to win this! But you have to get a strike, got it? If you don't, it's game over forever."

Deidara nodded, and picked up the ball in slow motion. He began taking long, annoyingly slow strides to the lane.

"What are you doing?" Kisame asked, exasperated.

"Gggoooooiiiinnnggg iiinnn ssslllooowww mmmoootttiiiooonn. III wwwaaannnttt iiittt tttooo bbbeee mmmooorrreee eeepppiiiccc..."

"Stop being an idiot and roll." "Yeah, WTF? I wanna go get something to eat!" Zetsu moaned.

"Okay, fine. You guys have no sense of epicness." Deidara pouted, and rolled the ball.

"Epicness isn't a word." Itachi hissed.

"I don't know, it sounds like it could be a word." Kisame wondered, scratching his chin.

"Put it in a sentence."

Deidara hopped up and down. "Oo! Oo! I know! The epicness of the battle was shocking!"

"That still doesn't make it a word."

"Umm, guys..." Inoishi interrupted.

"What?" They all snapped.

"You lost. Deidodo just rolled a gutter ball."

There was a moment of silence.

"So we have to go?"

"Yep."

More silence.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted. Come on guys, lets go..."

Deidara was interrupted by a massive explosion that shook the whole building. Out of the rubble stepped a purple-suit wearing, green-haired, white-skinned psychopath. Sakura had entered the building.

"What the hell?" Inoishi began, but sledgehammers to the side of the head have an odd way of halting your train of thought.

"Oh $#!" Shikaku yelled, and dove behind a bench.

"WAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Sakura cackled, and began chasing the Akatsuki.

"Run for your lives!" Sasori shouted. The Akatsuki members then ran into a hallway filled with doors, and Sakura followed wielding a meat cleaver. Various members would run out of each door and into another one, all in a very random manner. And for some reason, "Brown Eyed Girl" was playing the whole time. After Itachi came out of the last door holding all the others in his lap, he stopped and dropped them.

"Okay, reality check." he said, and pointed to one of the doors. "I went in that door, Kisame went in there, Joker here went that way, Sasori and Zetsu went through that door, and Deidara passed through that door. So how the hell did you all end up in my arms? And where's my wheelchair?"

Everyone was so shocked by Itachi saying that much at once that they didn't have time to react to the disaster. After hearing Itachi's speech, the building realized it was a horrible sin against god, and imploded upon itself, fixing the hole in the time space continuum that it had created. The poor Akatsuki members and Sakura were dragged along with it, off to an alternate dimension. Shikaku sat on the ground outside, blinked three times, stood up, dusted off his pants, and walked off.

"Way too weird..."

—

That's it for chapter thirteen! Sorry again.

That thing with the doors is supposed to be a Scooby Doo reference, but I don't know if it came out quite right. Oh well.

Whoops, almost forgot! I already answered this question for someone else, but if you must know, the clothing gods have taken pity on poor Naruto and Tenten, and magically bestowed them with a pair of their original clothes. That's no guarentee they'll stay on, however...

On a side, I know that's not how Deidara really acts. But this is a crazy fic! CRRRAZY!

Chapter 14 should take a lot less time! Bye, and please review!


	14. There's got to be a Morning After

The Fourteenth chapter! Teh gasp!

I am so sorry. Where in the name of Lee did May go? This chapter is more filler than anything else. Just setting the stage for later events and saying what all the characters are doing at this point. I apologize for the shortness.

Enjoy!

--

Naruto rolled over. It was the clinking that woke him up. Naruto opened his eyes to see a room, absolutely littered with beer cans. Hinata's room, at that. He struggled to remember what happened last night when they got back to the Hyuuga house. He was threatened by Hinata's father (not like he could move though), Hinata's sister gave them some weird looks, but that was it. Oh yeah, and they drank. Naruto drank in the hope Hinata would go under before he would, and Hinata drank to make Naruto drink so she could get him totally wasted and then do it. Naruto checked his pants to make sure they were on. Nope. Underwear? Oh thank god.

Naruto also recalled the fact that they were getting married today. He checked the clock, which read 8:00. 2 more hours...maybe he could escape! Naruto got up as quietly as possible, and began tip-toeing to the door.

"Gah!" He accidentally yelled when he fell on his face. He looked at his ankle, and came to the horrid realization that Hinata had chained their ankles together. By trying to escape, Naruto had woken her up.

"Naruto-kuuunnnn..."

Poor poor Naruto.

-

Tenten woke up to something uncomfortably wet on her cheek. Batting her eyes, she rolled over to see Lee happily drooling everywhere.

"Eeew!" she yelled, and pushed Lee off the bed.

"Hnn?" Neji yawned, and sat up. Apparently, they had fallen asleep in Lee's bed, Lee on the left, Tenten in the center, and Neji on the right.

"Why were you two sleeping with me?" she yelled, beating Neji away with a pillow.

"I seem to be stuck..." Lee waved, wedged between the wall and the bed.

"Youthful Tenten! We had to sleep together! It helps strengthen the bonds of friendship!" Neji cried. "We performed no lewd acts!"

"FRIEND NEJI IS TRUTHFUL!" Lee shouted from his awkward position.

"INDEED HE IS!" Lee's mother yelled, kicking down the door and entering the room in a very dramatic fashion.

"Lee has a mother?" Tenten asked, curious.

"Of course Tenten! Everyone has a backstory except for you." Neji pointed out.

"My little Lee!" she scolded, pulling Lee out from his position. "What have I told you about falling asleep on that side of the bed?"

"I apologize mother! I had to make room for my friends!"

"Very well! Who wants pancakes and waffles for breakfast?"

"WE DO!" Lee and Neji proclaimed. Tenten was still mighty confused.

--

Gai woke up next to Sasuke, and promptly fell back asleep. Weirder things had happened.

--

Kakashi didn't wake up, because he was still tired from last nights 'endeavors'. Partying with 30 hypnotized chicks at once was draining.

--

Jiraiya giggled like a dirty old pervert, because that quite frankly what he was. The apple had worked wonders, and Tsunade wouldn't remember a thing. But the camcorder would. Jiraiya reminded himself that when he died, he had to shake the hand of the guy who made video cameras and the guy who made roofies. And the guy who invented condoms. Those things were a god send. Don't want any little Jiraiya's running about, cramping his style. He slunk out the door and scurried away.

--

Shino and Ino had woken up hours earlier, to get prepared for the wedding. Shino adjusted his bowtie, and made sure the tux went up to the right point. Just under his eyes, perfect! Now the glasses, and he was golden. Shino then struck the Fonz pose

"Ayyyyy!"

He could never help that when mirrors were involved. He re-composed himself, and started walking to the church.

Ino was getting her dress fitted, while her mother cried tears of joy, or possibly sadness. Shino is pretty weird after all, no telling what he does to women in his spare time. This was going to be quite the event!

--

Kiba yawned, sat up, and adjusted his powdered wig. The other night, Anko demanded that they do a three man re-enactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. Kiba didn't know what the hell she was talking about, but she did threaten his kneecaps if he didn't participate. Anko also believed in authentic costumes, so they dug up some old graves and robbed them of their tattered clothing. Anko's reasoning? "They won't miss em." So they did a re-enactment, with real bullets, much to Shizune and Kiba's surprise. "Robert E Lee would not have run like that!" she yelled later. Then they went to sleep in a vat of toffee, Anko claiming "It does wonders for your colon."

Then the candy factory began operating. Meaning the giant churner that kept the toffee nice and sticky began turning.

"Whee!" Anko yelled as the three of them were sucked down into the gooey mess.

"I HATE YOU!" Kiba shouted.

--

The Sound four at breakfast solemnly around the table. They were all still wearing pjs, and Tayuya did not look happy. She was not a morning person.

"Sakon, if you dare touch my toast, I'll rip your (insert a certain four letter expletive) arm off."

"It's not your toast, back off."

"GGRRRAAAA!"

"Eeek!"

"Did a little boy just shriek?" Orochimaru asked, coming into the room with a large creepy pedophile smile. "Oh, it was just you Sakon."

"Don't look so disappointed..." Kidomaru warned, scooting his chair away.

"It's nothing, I've just been away from my darling Sasuke so long...if I could only feel his tender young supple flesh..."

"You're a sick bastard, you know that?" Tayuya asked, munching her toast.

"Hey guys! I just found out that..woah!" Kabuto shouted, running into the room, slipping on Kimimaro's spilt milk, crashing into the fridge, having the precariously balanced knives fall on his head, screaming in pain and blindly running into the open oven, and having it close on him.

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

"Should we get him out?" Sakon asked.

"Let the (naughty bits!) Fry. He's damn near useless anyway." Tayuya groaned.

"Lets talk about Sasuke now!" Orochimaru suggested.

"Can it Jackson" Kimimaro said. Orochimaru left depressed.

--

Choji and Shikamaru were just chilling under a tree. Choji hastily munched on his chips.

"Hey Choji."

"...yeah?"

"Didja know Ino's getting married today?"

"What?"

"To Shino, no less. Weird, huh?"

"I've gotta do something!"

"Have fun."

So Shikamaru went to sleep, and Choji waddled off to do something.

--

"So, where are we?" Deidara asked.

"London, from what that sign says." Kisame answered.

"Where is everyone else?" Deidara whimpered.

"Beats me" Kisame shrugged.

Just then a British cop walked by, whistling. He halted at the sight of the odd pair. There was a brief moment of silence, then he charged them and blew his whistle.

"Ninjas! Ninjas! They're after the Queen!"

"Wait, what?" Kisame said, but then 500 other cops appeared and the two were viciously beaten with billy clubs.

--

"Zetzu?"

"Yes?""What?"

"Stop eating my foot."

"I'm cramped..."

"Shut up Sasori."

The other three Akatsuki were crawling through an underground tunnel, which was very dusty and old. They emerged into a vast chamber, well lit with torches. Piles of glittering gold were strewn everywhere. Sasori let out a whistle.

"Wow.""Daamn..."

Itachi walked over to a wall, where something was carefully written. Sasori scratched his chin, and looked around.

"Ya know, this place seem kinda familiar..."

"The curs'ed man who reads this curse shall curse the day he read it." Itachi spake. "What nonsense."

Sasori snapped his fingers. "Now I remember! This was just like that scene in Mummified 2: Electric Boogaloo! Remember that movie, Zetsu?

But Zetsu was quite dead.

"Oh shits, it's a mummy."

Then the lights went out.

--

Sakura woke up in a meadow, surrounded by small woodland creatures.

"We are the Happy Forest Gang! Where are you from, stranger?" a sickeningly happy squirrel asked. Sakura just smiled and drew her meat cleaver.

--

Yeah, that's it for chapter fourteen. Chapter fifteen should be nice and awesome. Once again, sorry. And yes, I wrote spake. That's the Shakespearian way of saying spoke, for those who didn't pay attention in English. Toodles!


	15. A Gentlemen's Duel

Chapter fifteen! Hip hip hooray!

200+ reviews...wow. You guys rock out loud. I bow to you and your faithful reading...and once again I must apologize for the lack of updates. I had work, school, and finals to deal with, so I didn't have a lot of free time to work on this. Sorry...

Enjoy!

--

The pit in Naruto's stomach was widening to epic proportions. He had a cringing distasteful fear of what was going to happen in the next couple of hours. He and Hinata were sitting in the audience for the first wedding, Ino and Shino's. Hinata had Naruto in a death hug, and there was no way he could ever escape. He would have sighed, but he might not be able to inhale.

The organ player began playing and everyone turned to see Ino come up the runway.

_Da dun dadun..._

"So slow..." Naruto thought. Good, maybe this would give him an opportunity to escape. He glanced at the chain connecting his leg to Hinata's. How would he get this one off? Maybe he should chew through it. Or chew through his leg. Legs weren't that important. He knew plenty of people who were missing limbs and doing fine.

Ino finally reached the pedestal and smiled at Shino. Shino smiled too, but how could you tell?

"Say, where's the priest?" Naruto asked, looking about.

As if to answer his question, there a poof of ninja-y smoke and Asuma appeared, holding a bible and having classic cigarette in mouth.

"Sorry I'm late guys," he motioned, lighting another cigarette, "but I had to buy a new pack."

"Just don't mess this up." Ino threatened.

Asuma grimaced and began.

Elsewhere, Gai, Kakashi, and Sasuke were walking down the boulevard, there were shadows, searching in the niiight...

"Man, I love Journey." Kakshi sighed, removing his headphones.

"You know, Sasuke, I just decided something."

"I'm dying to hear it."

"I'm going to reconnect with my family!" Gai screeched, doing the nice guy pose.

"But Gai, you said so yourself, they're all dead." Kakashi sighed.

"NOT TRUE! MY HEIR YET LIVES!"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "You have a son?"

"INDEED! It's Lee! Really, is it that hard to figure out? We looked damningly similar even before he started copying me." Gai explained.

Sasuke and Kakashi accepted it, and ventured across hill and dale to Lee's house. Or maybe just a couple of blocks. America, you decide!

Gai kicked down the door and action rolled into the house.

"Okay, we'll just forget the door bell then." Sasuke sneered.

"...and that's how I got crabs the second time." Neji explained to a already horrified Tenten. They both looked up at the sudden explosion of the door.

"MASTER GAI!" Lee and Neji shouted, and hugged him like no one has hugged before!

"MY STUDENTS!" Gai wept.

"YOU!" Lee's mother shouted.

"SHIT!" Gai cried as he lept sideways over the couch, barely dodging the various kitchen implements being thrown. "I can explain!"

"Mother!" Lee exclaimed, putting himself between the two. "Do not hurt Master Gai!"

"But he's your bastard father!"

Lee looked shocked for a few seconds. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Dreams do come true!" Lee wept, adding to the already copious amount of weeping that's been happening. Just then, Lee's mother turned a rather sour shade of green, and began screaming. She clutched her stomach and started rolling on the floor.

"What's going on?" Sasuke asked, puzzled.

"Oh no! Mother must be having indigestion! QUICK BEST FRIEND NEJI, RETRIEVE THE TUMS!"

Lee's mom convulsed, and then a baby alien burst out of her stomach in a shower of blood.

"HOLY #$!" Tenten screamed. There was a few minutes of silence as the thing looked around at the ninja.

"Whadda we do with it?" Kakashi asked, mildly interested.

"Lets keep it!" Neji smiled. "I think it's cute, in a blood-soaked, slimy kinda way"

"What do we name it?" Lee pondered.

"How about Krueger? Like Freddy." Sasuke suggested. There were nods of consent from all around.

"C'mere Krueger!" Neji whistled. Krueger slithered onto his face. "Aw, he's giving me a hug..."

"Master Gai, what are you doing at Lee's house anyway?" Tenten inquired.

"I was coming to steal him away from his mother, but that problem seems to have solved itself."

"You mean I am being adopted?" Lee grinned.

"INDEED! IN FACT, I SHALL ADOPT ALL THREE OF YOU!"

"Yeah!" Neji muffled from under Krueger.

"Ugh..." Tenten moaned.

"COME, GAILINGS AND FRIENDS!"

Meanwhile...

"Naruto-kun, what are you doing?" Hinata whispered. Naruto put down the hacksaw and looked up.

"Hinata, I just want you to know this, but, I don't want to get married. At all."

"I know that, silly!" Hinata smiled.

"THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS?" Naruto screamed, receiving a death glare from Ino. "Sorry.." he whispered.

"Because _I_ want to get married, and I always get what I want." Hinata huffed. "Now just be quiet and wait."

Naruto slouched back into his seat and crossed his arms. This sucked.

Else where, on the tip top of Mt. Hokage faces...

"I'm going to jump this gorge! Nothing you say will stop me!"

"Anko please! Be rational for just one minute! It's a mountain! There's no other side to land on!" Kiba pleaded.

"That's what you think." Anko snapped.

"Kiba's right Anko! The only time you'll be able to jump this is when pigs fly! Just turn the motorcycle off!" Shizune informed. Anko looked at the two, and sighed.

"Maybe you're right..."

"Thanks Anko, now lets get you ho..." Kiba began, but Anko whipped around at an insane ninja speed, and snatched Tonton and threw him.

"FLY PIG! SOAR THROUGH THE COTTON-WHITE CLOUDS!" Anko shouted as she revved her engine and drove off the edge.

"TONTON!"

"SQUUUUEEEEE!"

Kiba looked down to see the rope that connected his ankle to the motorcycle unravel quickly.

"You've gotta be shitting me..."

"Man, such a great day for cloud watching..." Shikamaru sighed happily. Then he saw a pig, a crazy naked toffee covered woman on a motorcycle, and a screaming toffee covered boy sail through the air. Shikamaru cocked an eyebrow, then decided it was too troublesome and fell asleep.

Back at the wedding...

"...something about matrimony, blah blah..." Asuma droned.

CRASH!

A pig, a crazy naked toffee covered woman on a motorcycle, and a screaming toffee covered boy crashed through the pane glass window and landed in the food. Anko sat up, grinning from ear to ear.

"My, it's certainly a good thing that glass broke our fall, eh dog boy?"

"Once my limbs stop being broken I'm going to kill you."

"Say, where's pig girl?"

"I believe she was spared."

"KIBA!" Ino roared. "MY CAKE! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!"

"Ino, it's her fault! Ow! Stop hitting me!" Kiba cried in vain as Ino bashed him. Shino stood there watching.

"Now's my chance!" yelled Naruto, and he ran out the door. Hinata was still attached to his leg though.

"Ow! Naruto-kun! Ow! Stop Ow! Dragging me! We have to get married!"

"Gama Bunta!" Naruto shouted, and did all the proper summoning stuff.

Poof! The giant toad appeared, looking very distraught and wet.

"What the hell?" he grunted.

"Toad! Help me get rid of this girl!"

"I was in the middle of a bath you idiot!"

"How was I supposed to know?"

"Ask before summoning!" gama bunta growled, and beat Naruto with his scrubbing stick.

"Hey! You can't hit me! I'm your summoner?"

"Really? Than what am I doing right now?"

"You warty son of a..."

"DON'T HIT MY NARUTO-KUN!" Hinata exclaimed, and pummeled Gama bunta into toad jelly. Which they later had on toast. Naruto blinked a few times, and looked down at the broken chain.

"Err...thanks Hinata." he shrugged.

"MAKE LOVE TO MEEEE!" she shrieked

"GODDAMMIT!" Naruto cried, and ran.

"Blah blah...crap, I'm outta cigs. Gotta make this quick, Shino do you?" Asuma panted.

"I do." Shino said.

"Ino, same question." Asuma said, looking troubled.

"I.."

"HURRY UP!" Asuma yelled, twitching.

"Asuma sensei, I think you have nicotine addiction. You have a problem." Ino said, glancing at him.

"Yeah, I have a problem. You won't hurry the (bad word!) Up!"

"Okay, I do!" Ino smiled.

"By the power invested in me..." Asuma began.

"WAIT!" A voice cried out. Everyone turned around as Choji burst through the door, panting.

"Choji!" Ino said, looking shocked. "Are you okay?"

"NO. (Pant) Bloody church is (pant) so damn far away!" Choji panted. "Anyway, Ino! You can't get married! I love you!"

TEH GASP!

"But Choji! I'm already getting married to Shino!"

"It's okay honey, I know how to settle this." Shino said, stepping forward. He pulled out a scroll and with a poof, two rapiers appeared. Shino tossed a rapier to Choji and assumed a stance.

"It is time, for a gentlemens duel."

--

Uh oh! Who will win the dear Ino's affections? Will Kiba actually kill Anko? Will Naruto escape Hinata's clutches? Why is everyone hanging out with Gai anyway?

Tune in next time, for more or less of the Oddest Birthday!

P.S. That parts with shadows in the night is a Journey reference. It's not night. Now go listen to Journey.


	16. The Return of the Lobster from Chapter 3

The dawning of the sixteenth chapter...never thought I'd see it.

Have fun!

--

At a certain Wal-Mart we may have already been to, Ebisu was arguing with the man running the sea food department.

"Look, I'm returning this nuclear waste!" Ebisu threatened, slamming the large container on the container.

"Sir, we have a strict no return policy, and you're in the wrong department anyway." The clerk retorted.

"Well I don't want this anymore!"

"Neither do we! It's nuclear waste!"

"It gave me a tumor!"

"Good! It's not like you were ever a very popular character anyway!"

"What was that, you snot nosed brat?" Ebisu demanded. He lunged forward to menacingly grab the clerks collar, but in doing so knocked the waste into the lobster tank.

"Oops." He said.

"Hsakjdbeku?" the lobster said, which is translated as "What is this peculiar fluorescent substance that has dropped into my glass habitat?" He scuttled over to check it out. The lobster poked it a few times, then had a lick.

"KWHDLKQNEFLSFIFNWKLEFIHWLE!" he proclaimed, which means "MY WORD! THIS GLOWING OOZE IS QUITE SATISFACTORY TO THE TASTE BUDS!" He continued to gobble more, starting to grow and pulse.

"IUGT znsabakjufskrghirwlkajseu!" the lobster realized. This meant "INCREDIBLE! This nuclear by product also seems to be multiplying my strength and accelerating my pituitary gland at fantastic rates!"

He broke out of the tank and grabbed Ebisu's leg. Now Ebisu wasn't exactly expecting that a crustacean the size of a dog to snatch his leg, (in fact he forgot he'd knocked the waste over in the first place) so he was quite surprised when it happened. The lobster then began its tirade over the Wal-Mart, eating customers who stood in the way and still growing.

Meanwhile,

"Choji, Shino, please! Can't we solve this normally?" Ino begged, determined not to have her wedding ruined.

"I'm sorry honey, but there is the honor of men at stake here. Engarde!" Shino stated, and lunged at Choji. Choji yelped and dodged behind a pew. Shino's rapier pierced through the wood and nearly cut Choji on the cheek.

"Wow, since when was bug boy such a good swordsman?" Anko asked.

"Beats me, this is the first time I've seen him sword fi..Anko, what the hell are you doing?" Kiba questioned. Anko popped up from under the table and shushed Kiba.

"I'm hunting the little folk. They're here, I know it."

Kiba groaned. "Anko, there are no such things as little folk. You're bloody insane."

"There goes one now!" she yelled, racing out of the church on all fours and dragging kiba along behind her.

"LITTLE FOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLKKK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Everyone in the church paused for a moment until Kiba's screams went away, then Choji and Shino went back at it. Shino's blade danced like a leaf on an autumn breeze, while Choji's fuddled like a drunken pidgeon.

"Is this the best you've got, Akimichi?" Shino sneered, locking blades.

"Errm, well, I guess I could be doing better..." Choji pondered. Shino pushed Choji back, through one of the windows and outside.

"Who wants PIZZA ROLLS?" Gai asked, entering the room from his kitchen. He held a tray of recently cooked pizza rolls in his hands.

"We do!" Lee and Neji chimed. Tenten shrugged, and grabbed one.

"Say Master Gai, these aren't bad at all." Tenten said, munching.

"Krueger, you must move so that I may ingest this pizza roll that Gai sensei put so much work into!" Neji chided, trying to pry Krueger off his face. Lee gobbled down the rolls at the speed of sound.

"LEE!" Gai yelled, punching his student.

"Why did you do that Gai sensei?" Lee asked, rubbing his cheek.

"Do you realize how many calories you just ingested? Now we must all do laps around Konoha to burn off all of this fat!"

"HUZZAH!" Lee and Neji shouted. Tenten merely sighed and went along with it, not questioning Gai's odd decision of making them eat and then punishing them for it.

"Hey, wait a minute! Where are Kakashi and Sasuke?" Lee wondered.

"Right here." They said, emerging from a swirling vortex of doom.

"Where'd that come from?" Tenten asked.

"Well, we were walking behind you, when it suddenly opened up and swallowed us. It happens more often then you'd think."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I see."

"Mm hmm."

"Right."

"Okay"

"Yep."

"Totally"

"..."

Gai interrupted this awkward conversion with a mighty fist of manliness!

"This small talk had better not be an excuse to miss the laps! ONWARD GAI-LINGS! RIDE! RIDE NOW! RIDE FOR WRATH! RIDE FOR RUIN! AND THE WORLD'S ENDING! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Lee and Neji agreed.

"Ahh." Tenten wearily spake. Kakashi blinked twice, and went back to reading his filthy smut. Sasuke just popped in his earphones and cranked up the Hawthorne Heights. He's so damn _EMO_.

Elsewhere...

Shino and Choji were fighting their way through town, epically. Choji was getting better as they went, and Shino still had his aura of confidence. They hacked their way through the Yamanaka flower store.

"Akimichi special technique! Chin smack!" Choji yelled, expanding one of his chins and buffeting Shino with it. Shino staggered and blocked Choji's swipe.

"You're better than I thought Choji. Maybe it's time to use an ancient family secret of mine..."

Shino pulled out another scroll and there was a ninja-y puff of smoke. Choji held his breath, knowing second hand smoke was bad for you, and waited.

"Aburame style! SANTORYU!" Shino shouted, letting the smoke clear. Shino now had a sword in each hand, and one in his mouth.

"Umm...what?"

"Do you not feel fear, Choji?"

"I'm feeling something, but it might be pity."

"You will feel pain after my blows!" Shino cried, and attacked. He swung at Choji with his arm swords, and ripped a part of his shirt. Then he took a swing with the mouth sword, but Choji blocked it. Shino immediately backed up and held his mouth.

"OW! Crap that hurt! Ow! I think I chipped a tooth! Dammit! What in gods name made me think that was a good idea?"

He regained his composure, only using one sword now. The fight continued!

Naruto had fled into the local hospital to try and escape, but to no avail. Now he was just knocking down people in wheelchairs and stretchers.

"Sorry! Excuse me! Move!"

"NARUTOOOOOOOOOO!" Hinata roared like some wild beast. She was hot on his heels, and no elderly or infirm was going to stop her.

Naruto looked back for a minute, and crashed right into a cart full of medical supplies. Hinata lept on top of him and pinned him down.

"Now I've got you!" She smiled. Naruto panicked and grabbed the nearest thing to him, then jabbed it into Hinata. She looked at the syringe sticking out of her arm, and sat up.

"Ow..."

Naruto tried to squirm away, but Hinata kept her grip.

"Now we can get properly married honey! Isn't that great?"

Naruto just rolled his eyes and prayed for his soul. Hinata suddenly staggered, and shook her head.

"You okay?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah, I think so..." Hinata said, holding her head. She looked up at Naruto and he suddenly started twisting out of color. The walls behind him were melting, and the world began flashing. Naruto cracked a grin, and turned...

"Pink?" Hinata wondered. Naruto opened his mouth, and an army of little Naruto's marched out playing instruments. Or were they little? Was she just a giant? The Narutos grew to regular size and marched around Hinata, and the remnants of the walls flashed all the colors of the rainbow.

"Umm, Hinata?" Naruto asked, looking at Hinata's glazed over eyes and her staring about wildly. He waved a hand, but she continued whatever she was occupied with.

"What was in that syringe? And why was it in a hospital?" he wondered aloud, and decided it was a good time to find a hiding place.

"_Look out, look out, pink Narutos on parade_

_Here they come, hippity hoppity._

_They're here, they're there pink Narutos everywhere!_

_Look out, Look out! _

_They're walking round the bed,_

_Overhead,_

_Clippity Cloppity._

_Parade, Parade, Pink Narutos on parade!_

Hinata was absolutely terrified at this point, and for damn good reasons. Now she was in a bed, spinning out of control as the pink Narutos circled about like crows, all while this creepy song was playing from somewhere.

"What'll I do?" A pink Sakura asked her

"What'll I do?" a pink Neji questioned. They turned and looked at each other.

"What an unusual view!" They both said, and exploded into cans of peas. A pink Choji appeared and began singing.

"_I can stand a warty nose_

_or even smelly jam from toes_

_but technicolor Narutos_

_is really to much for me!"_

A pink Shikamaru appeared and sang

"_I am not the type to faint_

_when things are odd or things are quaint_

_but seeing things you know that ain't_

_can certainly give you an awful fright!_

_What a sight!"_

_(Chorus)_

"_Chase em away! Chase em away!_

_Pink Narutos on parade!"_

The Narutos jumped around like crazy things, some of them turning into cars, others into eyeballs. I line of them spontaneously grew top hats and coats and began tap dancing on Aragorn's face.

"Get away!" she yelled, and gentle fisted one. Then they stopped parading and looked angry. They formed together to make a massive being compromised entirely of Naruto heads (go ahead, take a minute to picture that. ...scary isn't it?). Hinata screamed like a banshee and gentle fisted the terrifying thing back to whence it came!

After a few minutes of battling the horrific creature, it started to fade away, and the walls came back. All the colors readjusted themselves, and soon Hinata's world was as it was supposed to be.

"Where's my Naruto-kun?" she wondered, and immediately left the hospital she'd just destroyed while being blazed out of her mind. The injured moaned, while the dead were picked at by the crows. It was very, very messy. The janitor looked around at the ruined building.

"(beep) this shit." he said, and shot himself in the head.

Choji and Shino's fight had now taken to a construction site. The two whipped their way through the place, startling many a worker.

"You cannot win Choji! I have far more stamina than you!" Shino laughed, forcing Choji back.

"I will win Ino's love!" Choji spat, and grabbed onto a lifting I-beam.

"Oh, think you can get away that easily?" Shino cackled, and grabbed the other (highly convenient) lifting beam. The two battled in mid air, keeping their balance as they rose ever higher. Choji slashed at Shino, disconnecting the rope that held his lift up. Shino hastily jumped onto Choji's beam as his plummeted towards earth

"My! This is such a fine day for a jog, is it not my Gai-lings?" Gai asked.

"IT IS A FANTASTIC DAY FOR JOGGING MASTER GAI!" Lee yelled, being over dramatic as always.

"What are they building here anyway?" Kakashi wondered as they were jogging past a construction site.

"It's a Macy's." Sasuke stated. Tenten happened to look up.

"OH MY GOD, NEJI LOOK OUT!"

Neji looked up (not that he could see through Krueger) just in time to have the beam connect solidly with his face. Their was a sickening crunching noise, not unlike when one bites into a spoonful of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the taste you can see!

part of a complete breakfast, all rights of Cinnamon Toast Crunch belong to the Kellogs company, any breach of said rights is punishable by law, cereal not valid in Nebraska

"BEST FRIEND NEJI!" Lee cried.

"KRUEGER!" Gai wept.

"OH MY GOD!"Tenten shouted.

"What?" Sasuke asked, pulling out his earphones.

"Ouch." Kakashi smirked, only mildly interested.

Lee pushed the beam aside, and wiped some of the crushed alien gunk off Neji's face.

"NEJI! NEJI SPEAK TO ME!"

Neji stirred, and blinked a few times.

"Why on earth are you touching me?" he moaned

"BEST FRIEND NEJI! YOU ARE ALL... wait, what did you say?"

"Get off." he retorted. He pushed Lee aside and wiped some of the blood and alien juice from his face. "What the hell happened to me?"

Lee was trying to sidle away, whistling as nonchalantly as possible.

"Well, you've been acting strangely all day yesterday and today, and that's alien guts on your face." Tenten explained.

"How did I get alien on my face?"

"It's a long story."

Gai slapped Neji on the back "Do not worry son, I'll get you a new alien."

"Son?" Neji asked, bewildered.

"Yeah, Gai kinda adopted us." Tenten explained. Neji looked horrified.

"WHY THE HELL DID I AGREE TO ALL OF THIS?" he asked.

"Oh yeah, and you're wearing a jumpsuit." Sasuke added.

Neji then looked down at the jumpsuit he was wearing. Suddenly, it all clicked in his mind, and the rage spread across his face.

"ROCK LEEEEEEEE!" he murderously yelled, and took off after our spirited youth. Lee fled for his life.

Higher up, Shino and Choji kept dueling. They fought their way across perilously placed pillars, hazardous heights, and dizzying drops, each one gaining some advantage then having it nullified. Just then Choji lost his balance, and wobbled to the side. He grabbed Shino's sleeve and the two feel to earth and the excited crowd below, landing in a cement mixer.

"Shino! Choji!" Ino cried out.

Shino crawled out of the mixer, coughing and very cementy looking. He posed dramatically.

"Behold my sweet victory!" he declared. The crowd roared, and Shino didn't notice Choji crawl out from behind him.

"SURPRISE COCKBAG!" Choji declared, and stabbed Shino through the back. Shino looked very surprised, and fell to the ground clasping his wound.

"SHINO!" Ino screamed, and ran over to her wounded fiancé.

"I have won Ino! Now we may get married!" Choji grinned.

"Choji you moron! Shino is the man I love! I could never marry you!" Ino wept. Choji looked hurt.

"Never?" he asked.

"No! You're too damn fat!" Choji looked down depressedly, and picked up his rapier.

"O happy dagger! This is thy sheath! There rust, and let me die." Choji said, and stabbed himself through the heart. There was silence, and Kakashi (who watched the spectacle) laughed.

"That was a rapier, not a dagger. Stupid."

_--_

Yeah! That does it for chapter sixteen!

Hooray for the longest chapter!

And a big round of applause to the returning character, Lobster!

See you around!


	17. Death of an Author

It's chapter 17! Oh heavenly days!

Yeah, over 250 reviews! I love you guys so much!

Enjoy!

--

The Lobster had reached quite an enormous size by now. It burst through the roof of the Wal-Mart, and began rampaging in Konoha.

"GTRSREABNIKUNBVTR!" he cried, which means "FEAR ME FOOLISH MORTALS! I HAVE BECOME TOO POWERFUL FOR ANY OF YOU TO HANDLE!"

People stopped, and stared. They were sufficiently gobbled up for being stupid and stopping to stare at a giant rampaging beast of destruction. The lobster would have smacked his blood soaked lips at this point, if he had either a tongue or lips.

Kakashi had finished pointing out Choji's stupidity, and was now just walking down the street. He looked up to see the large lobster leg blocking his way.

"Excuse me, mister lobster, but I'd like to walk down this street. You seem to be in my way."

The lobster spun around, and roared in Kakashi's face, covering him with spit and grime.

"Eww."

"TEWQRFCNBU?"

Thankfully, our favorite sharingan ninja can speak fluent lobster.

"I merely wish to walk down the street."

"YQHBWEFUHEGRGHRTKH!"

"Well why not?"

"IWIUHEFBGU"

"I don't care how great you are. I could beat you."

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY."

Gai ran by, shouting "NO WAI!"

"I'll prove it, Mr...what's your name?"

"Yawguyqgrwef."

"Okay, mister Rasputin Huckstable IV, I'll prove it to you by defeating you in..."

(Insert sound of bell ringing)

Asuma is standing in the middle of a boxing ring, holding a microphone.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Welcome to the newest sport to be sweeping the nation, NINJA BOXING!"

"Woot!" the crowd cheered.

"In this corner! Konoha's finest mirror ninja, the only person with a sharingan that we can actually trust not to run away, HATAKE KAKASHI!"

Kakashi steps into the ring, and throws off his cape into the crowd. Many fangirls squee to see Kakashi's shirtless body.

"And in this corner! The new bad boy in town, fresh out of the Wal Mart seafood section, RASPUTIN HUCKSTABLE IV!"

Rasputin manages to somehow fit in the ring, even though he's 30 ft tall at this point.

"Who will win this clash of ninja vs. crustacean? Betting windows close, NOW!" Asuma dramatically pointed.

"BEGIN!"

(Ding!)

Kakashi shuffles out, swinging some practice punches.

"I told my friends to heat up some butter, cause you're gonna be delicious after I cream you." Kakashi taunted.

"Sjdfnfbighmrds!"

Kakashi gasped. "My mother may have been a whore, but not to the extent you're describing! Hah!"

Kakashi swung a hard left, and connected with Rasputin's leg. A visible shockwave traveled up Kakashi's arm.

"Exoskeleton. Should have thought of that."

Rasputin raised his mighty arm, and prepared to pummel Kakashi.

"I give."

The crowd gasped so hard that there was a vacuum created for three whole seconds.

"The destruction of Konoha isn't worth getting hit. You guys have fun." Kakashi said, putting on his regular clothes, picking up his porn, and leaving the building. A cricket began chirping, but was quickly eaten by a bird. Crickets are pretty damn low on the food chain you know.

Rasputin then continued his reign of terror, slaughtering many innocents in the staduim.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the street...

Naruto panted heavily. He couldn't take it anymore. Hinata had somehow found him again (damn that byakugan!) And he'd been running for a while. It had been so long since he'd had anything to eat or drink. Naruto was flat out exhausted. He stopped in his tracks, and felt the resulting blow of Hinata tackling him into the ground.

"Naruto- kun!"

"Do what you want Hinata, I don't care anymore."

Hinata squeed like the fangirl she was.

"I knew you'd see it may way Naruto!" she smiled, and began removing Naruto's clothing. He counted the clothes in his head.

"There goes the headband. And the shirt. Bye sandals. See you later pants. Bon Voyage boxers. And farewell virginity, its been nice knowing you."

Hinata began removing her clothing, and was about to get started when there was a blaring sound. They both turned to see an 18 wheeler come screeching towards them.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Naruto closed his eyes and listened to the sickening sound of metal, glass, and possibly bones breaking. But he didn't feel a thing! Curious, he opened his eyes to see that the truck had gone over him, and only Hinata had been hit.

"Holy shit, Hinata!"

Meanwhile, Rasputin was now at least 100 ft and roared epically. He heard a whistle, and looked down to see a naked toffee covered woman holding a giant hammer, and a terrified looking naked toffee covered boy.

"ANKO! STOP! You can't fight that thing! I'll get killed!" Kiba pleaded. Anko smiled.

"What, your one chance for real fame, and you're gonna pass it up?" she said. "Come on, let's show this thing what happens when you mess with Konoha's craziest! CHAARGE!"

Kiba whimpered, but joined Anko in the charge.

"Dog Boy! I'll need some extra power in this jump to get to his head! ASSIST!"

Kiba complied, and the two used their ninja-y strength to propel themselves upwards. Rasputin saw them coming, and using one of his boxing gloves, swung hard at Anko.

"Anko look out!" Kiba declared, and took the punch.

"Dog Boy!" Anko gasped, truly touched by Kiba's sacrifice. "I KILL YOU!" she yelled.

She landed on Rasputin's head, and thanks to his anatomy, he couldn't reach her.

"Take this! MITARASHI ANKO SPECIAL TECHNIQUE! METEOR STRIKE!"

She swung down the hammer as hard as she could, and there was a juicy cracking sound. Rasputin wobbled, then fell over. Anko hopped off before they hit the ground, and patted Kiba on the face.

"Dog Boy! Dog Boy! Speak!"

Kiba's eyes fluttered, and he stirred.

"You're okay!" Anko cried, and had sex with Kiba right there. Kiba was very surprised. This was not at all how he'd planed to lose his virginity. To one of one his teachers and covered in toffee... Then the asylum van pulled up, and the men in white coats jumped out.

"There they are! The crazies!"

They pried Anko off Kiba, and put the two in straight jackets.

"Wait, I'm not crazy!" Kiba demanded.

"That's what they all say."

And the van drove off to the scary asylum on the hill.

"Hinata! Are you okay?"

Hinata cracked open her eyes to see Naruto looking at her.

"N-Naruto?"

Naruto sighed, then lept back. "Are you normal?" he asked.

"W-what do you mean?" she asked timidly. A smile spread across Naruto's face like butter on a muffin.

"YOU'RE OKAY!" He cheered, and hugged Hinata. It was at that point she realized she was not only being hugged by Naruto, but neither of them were wearing a damn thing. She turned a violent shade of red, and passed out.

"Hinata? You okay?"

"Hey, Naruto!"

Naruto turned to see Kakashi and Tenten coming down the street towards him.

"Woah, why aren't you wearing anything?" Kakashi asked. He tossed Naruto some spare pants.

"Well, Hinata's back to normal." Naruto concluded as he put on the pants.

"I guess this story has a happy ending after all." Kakashi said happily.

"Happy ending? What are you talking about?" Tenten spoke, "Sasuke was arrested for the murders of three kids, Lee is probably being killed as we speak, Neji has that suit fused with his skin for the rest of his life, Gai skipped town to avoid Neji's wrath, Choji killed himself, Shino has a fatal wound, Ino's wedding was ruined, Naruto and I have mental scars, Anko and Kiba have been taken to the mental institution, Iruka died in a tragic scrabble accident,"

"Hey guys!" Iruka said, walking over.

"Iruka sensei!" Naruto waved. "I thought you were killed in a tragic scrabble accident?"

"Where'd you get that idea?" Iruka said, raising an eyebrow.

"But Kakashi said..." Tenten began.

"Eh, I say a lot of things." Kakashi shrugged. Then another 18 wheeler came and hit Iruka.

"Oh yeah, we're still in the street, huh?"

"Yeah, lets take our conversation elsewhere."

So the three of them moved to the sidewalk, dragging Hinata's body and Iruka's bloody corpse.

"As I was saying," Tenten resumed, "Iruka died in a tragic motor vehicle accident, Sakura turned into the Joker and was transported to another dimension destined to kill happy little animals with a meat cleaver for the rest of her life, all the Akatsuki were taken to different dimensions..."

"Since when was that a bad thing?" Naruto interrupted. Tenten silenced him with a glare.

"Anyway, Hinata's dad was brutally injured, Akamaru was probably skinned, Asuma just died from lung cancer, Jiraiya was arrested for lewd acts, Tsunade got raped, No one really knows what happened to Shizune or Tonton, hundreds of minor characters are dead, and there's a giant unconcious lobster in the middle of town that you were to lazy to kill!"

"Oh deal." Kakashi pfftd.

Naruto counted off on his fingers "So the only ones who got off scot free were Hinata, Shikamaru..."

"Actually, Shikamaru's dead." Kakashi informed.

"When did that happen?" Tenten inquired.

"Well, while he was asleep his organs decided subconscious breathing was far too troublesome, so everything just shut down."

"Oh."

"Tragic no?"

"It's probably how he wanted to go."

"So only Hinata and I suffered no ill effects of yesterday's and today's acts." Kakashi said.

"Well, you were uncool for a little while, but you got it back, so yeah it looks that way." Naruto shrugged. Kakashi did a little victory dance.

"We still have to do something about this lobster..." Tenten said.

"I've got an idea!" Naruto smiled. The other listened closely.

Kankuro was carefully applying his makeup, when suddenly the whole house shook. He grimaced when he saw he'd shoved the tube of lipstick up his left nostril.

"TEMARI!" he yelled, pounding upstairs. "What's going on?"

Temari came out of the kitchen, wearing what looked like this evening's supper.

"I don't know! Why do I have to know everything?" she yelled putting her hands on her hips

The two argued for a minute, then Gaara calmly came downstairs.

"There's a giant lobster outside if you care."

"What?"

Temari and Kankuro looked outside to indeed see a giant lobster wearing boxing gloves destroying Sunagakure.

"HOLY CRAP!" Kankuro exclaimed.

"This is terrible!" Temari said, looking distraught.

"I know, and it's not even the worst of it." Gaara sighed.

"What on earth could be worse than a giant lobster destroying our town?" Temari asked.

"Lies, that's what."

The other two raised their eyebrows at the same time.

"Gaara, what are you talking about?" Kankuro wondered.

"Back in chapter 5, The Handsome Blue Beast clearly stated that we would not appear again in this fic. But we have. He has lied to his faithful readers, who so dearly left him over 250 reviews. And he's gotten very off topic. The title is called The Oddest Birthday, yet it is no longer Naruto's birthday. "

"Gaara, are you feeling okay? Do you have a fever or something?" Temari asked, worried.

"I'll be back." Gaara said, leaving.

"Wait, Gaara!" Kankuro shouted, but he was already gone.

I was typing this very chapter in my room, when suddenly the door bursts down.

"G-Gaara!" I say, clearly shocked that a fictional character has just broken into my room.

"Hello, Handsome Blue Beast." He coldly speaks. " I have some business to finish."

"H-how did you find me?"

"MySpace"

"N-now wait just a minute Gaara!" I try to reason, crawling away yet still typing. "We can figure something else out!"

"No." he says, and wraps me in sand, but leaves one hand free to type.

"Gaara, please!"

"The good folks at won't have to deal with your lies anymore."

"AAAAHH

Hello readers! This is the Beast's faithful sister and editor, I'm sure he has told you all about me right? Right? Uh, well anyways he's a little busy being dead right now so here I am finishing up the chapter for him. I know he would have wanted it that way... sniff...

So I bet you didn't think Kiba was going to be the one who got raped did you? Oh and after Hinata found out what happened she was very embarrassed but Naruto realized how great she Hinata really was and they lived happily ever after... because I say so! No, I guess we'll never really know what happened to Hinata and Naruto... thanks a lot Gaara... and not to mention the huge mess he left in my house. I'll be cleaning up sand for months!

Well anyways here's to the final chapter of the inappropriately named Oddest Birthday! Huzzah!


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